caffeinatedOtter
@caffeinatedOtter

The door open chime sounds, and Zif glances sideways at the monitor for the cam that covers the entrance, puts her elbows on the counter, tips her face into her hands for moment, and just breathes.

Nominally, this place is a hardware store, kinda small-town family-run shithole that feels as much like monetised hoarding as a business. The aisles are narrow and the shelves are tall and overstuffed, and a lot of the stock is old past the point of usefulness, or just kinda weird.

February sidles past a crate of UV-faded camo-print lawn flamingos, rounds the final corner in the obstacle course to the counter, and gives Zif a little grimace. "Hi," she says, with a quaver in it that gets worse every time she comes back.

Zif's is just far enough outside the city that there's no municipal camera autotracking who comes and goes. Far enough out of the local town that nobody gets out-of-the-ordinary nosy about the out-of-town footfall she gets. Behind the counter there's a trapdoor and a ladder and a cellar full of the other stock: Quebec-Sep surplus AK knockoffs, printable ceramic pistols invisible to previous-gen weapon screening, fell-off-an-Army-truck GSW nanomedicine splat-patches, laptops with desoldered TrustWorthy Enduser Authenticated Computing chip and rooted bootloader.

And there's the word-of-mouth jobs board, which lives entirely in the unhackable meat recesses of Zif's brain.

"February," Zif growls, "get out of here."

"I need—"

Zif started working here under Old Man Willis when she saw twenty-five. February Jones was fifteen. Zif saw her around town and paid her the same attention as any teen: about none. Old Man Willis paid a personal visit to one of his good friends and suppliers down in Mexico when Zif was twenty-nine; they turned out to be the kind of old friends who'll mail a couple of ripped-out fingernails as an invitation to renegotiate their pricing structure.

Zif waited a couple days, then wrote back to say that Old Man Willis was the kind of friend who had a scanner-invisible biospliced pouch in his chest, on a deadman switch wired direct to his heart; and they should be seeing the symptoms of an untreatable lab-cooked haemorrhagic fever about then, and what a shame it was when negotiations broke down, particularly between old friends, but maybe she'd be able to find a new supplier when their organisation were all piled into a quarantine morgue.

Zif let out around town that Willis had a heart attack on holiday, died drunk and happy. Took over the business. The whole year after felt like autumn: cold and ready to kill you, hard times ready to roll, but clear enough to see for miles. Beautiful, if you could take the chill. Space for possibility.

She saw February Jones get kicked out of The Only Gay Bar This Side Of The City, next town over, a couple of times, leggy and nervous and with a fake ID not worth the plastic it was printed on. Didn't give it a thought.

When February Jones was twenty-three, she came into the store and asked to buy one of the guns from the cellar.

What for, Zif had asked, after a long, long, suspicious stare at her.

What for, February had said, all dead-toned and matter-of-fact, was that her Daddy had been selling pictures of her online to certain collectors since she was twelve, and she wanted a gun; and Zif told her that no, she didn't, because that would wind up with February arrested and then she'd be February Jones who shot her Daddy because of that thing he did for ever. How much of Daddy's money could she lay hands on, in one lump, if she didn't have to worry about consequences from him for taking it?

Half a mil, cash, from Daddy's run from the cops emergency bag, February said, still matter-of-fact, and Zif sucked her teeth and told her: you want to take that and hand it to me, and then Daddy has an accident sometime that in no way brings you into it, understand?

February's Daddy had a boat on the lakes (which, if you squinted, he maybe couldn't ever have quite afforded, on his job). After his tragic lone fishing outing oopsie-whoopsie and funeral, February came back to the shop, all black dress and mascara runnels, and offered—

"I can have a woman go down on me any day of the week, for no reason except she fucking loves it, who actually knows what she's doing," Zif said coldly. It sounded like a thing to say, when she said it, enough to shoot down any possibility she didn't mean it.

She thought, afterwards, that it sounded — along with the cruelty, which she'd meant — also a little like bragging. A little less like no than it should have, a little too much I only use girls like you if they impress me.

And maybe — maybe — that has nothing to do with why twenty-five-year-old February Jones has spent an increasingly panicked fortnight with her assets frozen by the generalised suspicion of an AI suspicion-bot at BillBuddy, and corporate profile integration has automatically leached the taint of suspicion, of maybe we'll just unaccountably terminate your account, into so much of her life it ain't even funny to watch. If she wants to go to her dentist for a checkup right now, she had to take three pieces of ID, at least one biometric, at least one verifiably linked to her home address. You know, if any of the entitites who can link it to her address will while she's under a cloud of algorithmic side-eye.

Falling through the cracks in the system tends to be a bumpy, rapid, and one-way trip to the gutter.

"I need a job, Zif," February quavers.

"You're too hot for a job right now." Zif hardens her expression. "Get out of here."

This, this here, is why skulking in the shadowy interstices between the corporations, a freelance extralegal knight of the road, isn't the romantic option; not a job for kids who don't know what they're doing.

"I'll do anything," February says, for the third time in a week, fourth time ever, and Zif grips the edge of the counter hard.

"Do you think you know hurt?" she says, acid over gravel. "Because of what he did? You don't know shit. Not like I'd hurt you, kid."

February wasn't looking at her to begin with; doesn't start.

"I'm not in this line of work because I'm a good person," Zif spits.

"I haven't eaten since Tuesday," February says. "I'm hurting either way. If you're a bad person who'd like it, you'd rather it was you doing it, right?" and she looks up, then, through her lashes at Zif. "Maybe you want me hungrier, first. Maybe you want the utility companies to get in on it, cut me off, you want me starving and unwashed so you can look down at me over that counter and sneer you stink, along with everything else. You can't give me job, fine, but hurting? I can always do that for you."

They look at each other, Zif's pulse an angry buzz.

February pushes off the counter.

"Maybe I'll be faint with hunger, when I say it tomorrow," she says, bright-eyed and taunting. "Swaying on my feet while I say anything. Fall over, maybe. Would you like that? Will that be fun?"

"Get. Out," Zif grates.


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in reply to @caffeinatedOtter's post:

fuckkk caff

navy rose makes me swoon like a terrific, broken freak. it hits that microniche scenario that is like spiritual perfection to me. and there's that demon im scared is gonna ruin all the christmas presents. but this is getting up there...

zif isn't a good person is she, and zif is already hurting her isn't she.. taking all the money bc it sounds like februrary didnt know how to lie about how much it was or thought zif would be nice. and if she's messing with februrary's account now, directly or in what it's inspired in feb. god.

the way my brain sort of resonates with it in this dark, sickly way. like i've gestured at my own assault experiences with enough to make a decent picture. it's like part of my soul, it's mistakes and being scared of the pirate captain, and it's stuff im writing now (3 different active drafts have like abusive partners fr) and stuff i have in deep, deep in my notes. that february seems to have looked at the situation and said "i've been and am going to be hurt regardless, at least i'll want to be hurt by you" is such a thing to me. like you don't believe in safety, just in whatever degrees of control you have access to, are given access to, often in illusory ways.

i try avoid saying it but (in some twisted, stagnant way) i hope february is going to be okay. but god i want zif to have her first, and have her be awful.

and there's like 18 more prompts to issue in this "round" (like on my distribution curve). and only one of them is a fixer. but god i have such an awfully cruel, beautiful prompt. so i'll post that soon, just in case.

There is such awful power in writing "somebody or everybody is going to get genuinely hurt, and if there's a happy end, you can't see it from here"

I think it's one reason I end up writing more fixers than, say, pirates — not on purpose, but there's something about them that feels perfect for...this. Everyone's on an equal footing re: being criminals, but the fixer is a rung up, occupies a position of exploitable power, of nominal trust, in a context that you can otherwise make as cruelly tiny and intimate as you like.

No matter how honest Zif or the Christmas presents demon are that you're going to end fucked up, they have an insidious feel that I keep coming back to, where pirates feel straightforward in my head in a lion-chases-you-across-the-savannah way

I have some posts about that I could dig out tomorrow maybe, if you were curious. Rough, but like in general trying to process feelings like I'm allowed to write about my own experiences but also that I'm allowed to write independently of them. And like how I define a difference between myself and those who write abuse cos they want to do it and stuff.

The biggest thing I've been affirmed is I need no reasons to write dark stuff. I still feel a need to feel very justified but I think that brings a good critical quality.

In my defence, Beo is a fake pirate and is something so much worse (leader of an anarchist book club with a warship). Rebels occupy this nice space of often acting like pirates but better armed and waaay more political, the most dangerous thing to be.

It's this weird thing tho. I'm deeply deeply drawn to exploitation as a dynamic, there's a really raw and overwhelming terror at being with a person who can justify that to themselves. Especially when it's not utter, when it's messy. When you can think, fleetingly, they'll be nice.

But for me I have to write counterbalances lol. Like something terrifying I read will soothe out of my brain with a bit of time, but if I wrote it I can't cos those characters live in my head.

Literally tho, and this is such a dumb idea lol but I'm like sitting in the headspace I get from February and imagining not showing up for a few days going "It's all gone. There's an antidote on top of my stuff, packed in boxes to go, at home. I'm going to collapse from it now, and die in a few days. Use the antidote or don't. Use me or don't." Ugh, Feb is in my head and it is a nightmare place to be.

and it's a sort of side thought (cos here i am, thinking ofc, and will probably sleep thinking of this) but also just when you're in awful position how boring that can be and how sometimes making things worse is just so so tempting. bc at least it makes you feel for a moment like you have control.

i am doing very well btw and in the best few months of my life rn lol, just seems worth saying, minding being dependent on ehhh family for all my healthcare lol.

I think tomorrow should be a clear head cos I've just spent hours in bed lol thinking up so many paths forward. February asking for a gun again, just one lousy stupid gun that only needs to work once. Zif saying she'll do it for her. Or Zif taking her in and not actually touching her at all, this broken and empty vessel. Awful conversations, with bad endings and okay endings. February stilled in this exhausted misery, this terminal knowledge that she can't go back. And reading again and seeing maybe some twisted protectiveness in Zif, trying to keep her away and maybe having nothing to do with her misfortune at all, maybe it's what February sees or maybe she thinks Zif did it and doesn't care. The assumption of absent mother and abusive father is a kid with too many parental issues (hiii). Or thinking more about how February's immediate reaction after the funeral was to go to Zif, because her mind sees a value and must find a security in someone finding an object sexual value in her, messed up with that need for parental support. It feels really taboo, that instinct. There's an expectation of celibacy in a survivor and it's like the opposite. It feels... nice to see it? Like good see it exists for someone else, so I feel less the freak for it. Like, after such torturous vulnerability there's such a deep need to feel close. I suppose because for me, it was deeply denied.

Such a fucked little girl. So many grossly evocative possibilities in that space. I don't know if I'd even describe it as something I like. But something that's intoxicating as I sat there thinking of February's words through the deadest face. And normally I'd want to see a girl be okay but part of me just wants to see more hurt. Maybe just that dim light of hope of being sent somewhere far off and okay by Zif after. Which is yeah, why I self-regulate with stories and fantasies that resolve the hurt or push it to the background.

Literally, that Pathfinder character Scirne, I'm just imagining being caught or hurt and getting rescued by Jupiter after and being safe and ugh (bodes well for Scirne totally resisting becoming Jupe's fifth, weird daughter who's technically older than her). Such a weird, embarrassing mind to feel good in.

It happens with whatever characters are in my head (Dark Urge/Karlach, Roxanne/Bramble obviously or like the characters I wrote for this in Hunter's Mark that's not out yet). Per the bio I guess, to be broken and put back together again. Girlfriends words.

There's something peaceful and protective in that, when developed into a mind's reflex.

It'll be one of the posts too, okay to be broken, that's just like accepting that brokenness and not valuing resistance over it. Ahh so many words. I'm sure at some point this year, after more of these and reaching my own darkest stories I'll finally write my thoughts and feel I've finally touched them, the posts I have there's a clear evolution I'm still seeing in them. You've helped more than you can ever know :eggbug-smile-hearts:

Anyway, I am hoping my thoughts are exhausted lol. Anything more comes from this, love it, if not still totally love it. Will make lil comment summarising writing thoughts posts tomorrow.

oki doke, here i am at last. surgery consult got me anxious and tired.

i have a tag for posts like this on #writing thoughts though most are very off the cuff. little summary:

you're not bad for being broken. about how we culturally value resisting torture/trauma and both denigrate and actively prevent people from healing. and i'm the sort of person i'm just realising reflexively imagines/writes trauma because i find it a lot more comforting to accept breaking and live with an assurance of being fixed.

how some sexual assault experiences inform my writing. rough post about how i tend to view sexual assault (and other things like murder) as systems over individuals, and when writing them while there may be abusers i want to write their power as being systemic. i also think re-reading this that i find a lot of abuse to feel very in-parallel to my general experiences as a trans fem, and the social pressures i live under that accumulate into a similar trauma.

doll as gender. little thoughts about using 'doll' as a framework to understand, cope with, and resist my own objectification/fetishisation/and disposal.

erotic, not sexual. these are definitely proto-thoughts i've just properly began to understand. essentially realising i'm writing things from a deeply passionate sense of eroticism that feels distinct to a sexual desire i'm still grappling to write and don't feel so much of presence of.

thinking about itch monetisation. my rough plans for selling things, and thoughts about understanding the value of keeping bonus content gated but also not wanting to do that.

Prudish vs Pornographic. the best actual writing on my own thoughts, and not messy. about how culturally we force things to either be entirely prudish or porn, reduce erotic content only to its sexual parts, and devalue sexual content as only for gratification. me self-defining erotic here as "deep vulnerable intimacy."

wooops too late. just a tweet that i like lol.

complaining about adult erotica site i post to. just being annoyed at literotica being a chaser site, and reflecting why i post some stuff there.

you saw the little thing about writing rules. i actually had asked someone about if i should try using brackets or italics for past stuff and they said brackets would be silly lol. but i'm definitely favouring them lol. you're honestly a big inspo for writing style (other big one is like the Gearbreakers books) and it's helping a lot to get me self-reflecting about what i do and figure out my own style in the long run.

little thing about precarity & metastability. just a nice tweet thread about the conditions trans fems live under, which are very evident themes in my writing and how they're reflected in them both as conditions and also in interpersonal relationships.

probably the biggest thing missing is talking about how i differentiate my work from that i find kind of inhuman and gross by identifying mine as being written by a survivor for a survivor, as opposed to an abuser (like having recently seen a pair of shows that create female characters to be raped and tortured, and justify this by writing them to be awful so it's "karma" and "justice", that awfulness only existing as narrative justification). as opposed to like content, because i have boundaries and limits that require counterbalances if i push past them but that's a different not a distinction.

and also like how, and really i think i only fully grappled this after this story, the thing that i'm like in to and drawn to writing is "the desire for comfort that proceeds from trauma." often working with the messiness of say, desiring sexual intimacy after assault, or how you deal with the source of trauma also being the source of comfort. the biggest worry being that people will think i desire the trauma or just that this desire is incredibly bizarre. like, a CNC/rapekink thing would be easier to explain and is more socially acceptable. but i have a couple things that draw strongly on assault imagery or are it and i'm trying to write them luridly, but sickeningly so. like, i want them to feel really invasive and awful. have that lingering helpless terror, that takes me a couple hours to adjust back from, if not more.

writing stuff like that hopefully makes it make sense why i feel such an intense pressure to understand why i'm writing what i do, why i want to, what differentiates it from writing on this content that doesn't resonate. though i've been reassured i'm allowed to write what i like lol, i got shared by someone to Blood Knife folks who work on similar stuff and was told they super loved the PvP post, so might be an article some day lol.

also just like, especially as i start putting out My Lady, My Lord in a week or so (i hope) and it comes up again, it's probably inferable i have experience with sex work. but like idk when i'll write about that directly, i keep that close to my chest.

anyway lol, hope there's something interesting, and like it kind of enunciates why i adore and really appreciate your works like this one :eggbug-smile-hearts:

Hugs and good luck!

I'm in the middle of a few days of Extremely Brain No Work, so I'll probably have to sit with all of this for a while, but you're consistently articulate and ferociously introspective, always worthwhile thinking on.

you're honestly a big inspo for writing style

...it feels precious and unthinkable that I can make people feel a way about doing their own thing? Precious, because more people doing cool things! and unthinkable because I'm just, like, I'm doing my silly little thing over here pretty much to amuse myself and where did these people come from? So I'm just going to hold this close to me, where I hold @SpectreWrites saying I helped kick-start them writing on here, and feel warm. Thank you <3

Aww, thank you. I would describe it as unhelpfully self aware lol but I'm all ears to compliments at the moment (not counting the married man who spent half an hour staring at my cleavage while I waited for the train).

It's like what it took for me to come out was describing how I always picked femme characters in games and a trans person going "oh yeah me too."

Seeing people just write on cohost was such a good kick for "hey, just fucking post it" rather thsn worrying about needing to build games around it. Which I want to do, but that takes years and money no one has.