going thru my old playlists so here's a summary of the ones ive got really associated with moments in my life from oldest to most recent, cause it's a nice reflection activity :)
| playlist name | # of songs | time | associations |
|---|---|---|---|
| gay n in love | 6 songs | early feb 2020 | finding out that somehow after 5 years of being out as trans, i still had some internalized shame about being into sappy shit, so i listened to this a lot as part of a process of going hard indulging it to drive that shit into the ground |
| good morning sunshine | 11 songs | fall 2020 | both waking up and having sleepy mornings with my past partner, and the longing i felt for it late fall when covid cases got bad enough that i could only see them at a distance out in the cold |
| another beautiful day in early 2021 | 4 songs | late 2020 - early 2021 | listened to these 4 songs on loop walking an hour through the cold and snow to visit my girlfriend and metamour. lots of feelings of joy, reprieve, love, warmth, and resilience. this time fucking sucked aside from getting to do these visits |
| things are gonna be fine | 9 songs | late may 2021 | heading into 18 months of hell. i was about to break up with my girlfriend of 2.5y, my other gf was leaving after staying in canada for 6 months, i was trying to move out on my own with little to no money, start the code coven summer program, and find a job immediately after. i can't listen to this playlist anymore cause i was making out with my gf while we listened to it a few days before they left and it'll probably still hit really hard until we can live in the same city |
| Taking it a day at a time | 4 songs | late fall 2021 | feeling like ive been hit by a bus from the first 6 months of hell, but managed to get to a place where i had a job, my own place, and just barely managed to scrape by without going into the red in the process |
| fuck this shit | 22 songs | early 2022 | being very angry, pissed off, and frustrated at how i was being treated at work. made this playlist while at work, busting my ass on stuff that i felt was doomed (it was), and only having the hope that my bosses would stick to their word in the future (but knowing they wouldn't) driving me forward |
| thinking loving things (abt u) | 9 songs | early 2022 | honestly just missing my girlfriend and reminiscing about the 3 weeks i got to visit them that past fall |
| At The Up | 3 songs | august 2022 | after coming out of the 18 months of hell, i had a moment to breathe, a job i was about to start, a cat i was about to adopt, and both my girlfriends were in the city at the same time. this playlist feels like relief, rest, and hope |
| catte | 8 songs | first week of sept 2022 | made this playlist for pumpkin when i first adopted him, so it's associated with being very gentle, loving, and caring for him while he adjusts to being in my apartment! there's also a fair bit of anxiety feels associated with it from being New Cat Mom, yknow? |
| thru th streets to see my pal!! | 22 songs | early winter 2022 | this is where im at right now so it's hard to say what i associate with it, but it's just the 2 albums from heart attack kids that ive been listening to on repeat while walking across town to visit my friend. things that're currently associated with it feel like: it being cold and dark outside, being aware of being perceived by the fancy plateau people around me, indulging in just jamming out while i wait for cars, the occasional "WOW I AM OUTSIDE" energy burst that feels like mania i sometimes have gotten, followed by realizing that there's going to be an inevitable substantial crash in a few hours, and then actively pushing that from my mind in a way that has that feeling like ur doing something irresponsible and just hoping that the consequences coming to bite your ass won't hit you until ur no longer around other people to be hit by the splash damage |
i liked writing this! makes me remember that i'm a whole person with a history, and makes me grateful for getting through the rougher bits of the last couple years. maybe i'll come back to this in a year or so and update it