That post about Caitlin Moran's bad headline reminded me of this from when I used to listen to The News Quiz on BBC Radio 4. I went from enjoying it sincerely, to hate-listening, to not being able to tolerate it after covid hit. This has clearly haunted me since 2020, please enjoy.
Transcript
Nish Kumar (host): Lucy, who is being asked leading questions?Lucy Porter: It is the Labour leadership contest. I was reading about this and an insider at the Labour party said "We're just looking for someone who's more popular with the electorate than Jeremy Corbyn." (laughter from the audience) Which, (chuckle) given that Jeremy Corbyn proved about as popular as a box set of Suits in Balmoral, that is the definition of setting the bar low, isn't it? You know, we want someone who is more popular than Jeremy, it's the kind of new year's resolution I make, you know, just like "I'm not gonna eat chocolate... while I'm asleep". I'll tell you some of the runners and riders. So Keir Starmer is the favourite. Sir Keir Starmer but he doesn't like you to call him Sir although I would. (laughter, applause and cheering from the audience) He is, I mean I'm just gonna address the elephant in the room. Oh he's dashing! Isn't he lovely? (more laughter) God he's like, 'cause he's a really attractive ex human rights lawyer, he is basically Bridget Jones' Mark Darcy, isn't he, to Boris Johnson's Daniel Cleaver. So, he's handsome in that way where he's not threatening like he's-
Helen Lewis: Should we leave you alone?
Lucy Porter: Erm, but no he's sort of handsome but in a sort of nice way. Not like Zac Goldsmith handsome. You know, Zac Goldsmith's handsome in the way where you look at him and you think "God, that pretty face might be the last thing I saw as he closed the door on the chest freezer" you know what I mean? (laughter from the audience) But he is- I mean he's handsome but the problem is, they say, he's too posh although we have just voted in basically a child's drawing of a posh man. And then, other frontrunner Rebecca Long-Bailey. Rebecca Long-Bailey is considered to be the sort of Corbyn continuity candidate because you can sing her name in the Seven Nation Army chant. 🎵Oh, Rebecca Long Bail-ey🎵 Right? Which is a plus-
Nish Kumar: You gave that a little samba flourish and I really enjoyed it.
Lucy Porter: Woo! I loved doing that but all the other candidates would have to get their own songs. I have actually got a version of Madonna's Erotica about Keir Starmer but (laughter from Nish Kumar and audience) another time.
Helen Lewis: Wait until she gets onto Barry Gardiner (more laughter)
Lucy Porter: So you've got Jess Philips, you've got Lisa Nandy, you've got Clive Lewis, you've got Emily Thornberry. And they- so they have to get- it's 22 signatures isn't it from MPs and MEPs to start with, and it must be awful 'cause, like, Keir Starmer - sir - has got 28. Rebecca Long-Bailey's already at 17 or so and erm the others... Like, Clive Lewis and Emily Thornberry have only got one so far. (the audience goes "aww") I know! And it's like, this is your mates and you're having to go to your mates and go "Could you just?" and they're like "No we don't think you've really got what it takes."
Helen Lewis: Yeah but you know what happened last time they put someone on because they felt sorry for them.
Lucy Porter: Yeah... (audience laughs and claps) Well Emily Thornberry at the moment, it's only Fabian Hamilton who's backing her, and that's made up isn't it? (audience laughter) She's just written that in herself.
Mark Steel: Ooh I've got some more!
Lucy Porter: Donald Duck? What!? That's- yeah-
Nish Kumar: How dare you accuse me of making up Labour McLabourface.
