Cecelia Capra

I feel a moment of peace, so I’m going to do some writing. I’m going to start off with some free writing in order to clear all the thoughts in my mind and what I’m going through. I’m currently watching F.D Signifier’s video ‘What really makes a man desirable?’ while I’m typing it. And honestly, I feel like I should be giving it more attention that just a single screen. I find that F.D Signifier’s videos on masculinity and love are fascinating. I’m torn on the next project that I should throw my energy into. I think the honest truth is that I shouldn’t throw my energy into any of my projects while living in America in 2023. That might not make sense to a lot of people right now, but I’m sure people in the future will be able to understand that this historical period is a… very rough and dangerous one. On the other hand, writing is my passion and I have so many ideas bursting in my head. I want to finish Genesis and self-publish it. I think it’s pretty clear that based on the content it would never be picked up. I’ve considered cutting the kink/pornography, but I honestly feel that cis men and women get away with putting that in their work all the time, and it certainly says something about how I think of human connection and eroticism. I feel more of an obligation to finish some porn, which is in tension with me actually wanting to do it. I’m not sure if that’s the same for everybody or if unique to how my brain works, but under this system anything I have to do becomes… difficult. I feel it’s necessary to state that it’s March 8th, 2023 and while the American government is pretending the pandemic has passed and making laws more dangerous for immigrants, refugees and trans people I find myself in a state of paralysis. I struggle with normal conversation and finding my words when I speak, and I think a major factor is being isolated for so long. At the same time, I still see people not wearing masks and constantly getting sick and I have no idea what to do with that. I have no idea what to do with my life. I want to be able to support my family and to write, but that itself is a huge struggle that can sometimes lead to me not interacting with my family for long periods of time. It’s not the writing but the demands of work, the inflation, the waves of hate, but unfortunately the writing often gets pushed aside as not particularly important. I know it is important but finding time to write and read is so hard under this imperial regime. I think this is going to be the conclusion of my free writing. I feel like I’ve mostly made excuses and part of that is that while I have a plethora of ideas, I don’t want to spoil things too hard. I’ll take a short rest for my hands and then I’ll look into what I’m able to do.