roy

@corhocysen

RAL 6011 'Reseda green'

he/him; they is fine too
roys.house/

i want to become mediocre at everything.
i speak 🇬🇧🇳🇱 well, i'm currently learning 🇯🇵, and i can maybe read some other stuff

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roy @corhocysen8/26/2023, 9:27 PM

haven't managed to get shit done all week, and failed again today. idk how to break out of this, i only have so much time in the week during which my brain functions semi-properly, i always end up wasting a bunch of it, and the rest gets eaten up by work.

the problem, though, is i already started. so now i own a house i can't live in, can't seem to manage to fix up to the point that i could, and can't afford to pay someone else to fix up for me. ugh.

nothing to it but to keep chipping away at it. i'll manage at some point, i guess, but missing every deadline and goal i set myself (even accounting for the fact that this always happens) is still depressing as hell.

i guess since i got paid i should probably allow myself to waste some money, too. i've kind of been regretting my decision to get rigid conduit for everything - it's turned out to be much more of a pain to use than i thought it would be. i think i just need to get over myself and buy some big rolls of flex conduit.

N.B. wiring around here is different than in other places, so when i say conduit, don't bother projecting these concepts onto how house wiring is done in the US or w/e

#executive dysfunction

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cool ranch davidian @kuffs8/26/2023, 10:02 PM

I dunno what health care is like over there but good lord I did so much better when I was medicated for ADD. You should ofc be actually diagnosed and not Internet Diagnosed from A Guy In The Comments.

kyle @-pegasus8/26/2023, 10:06 PM

There's a waiting list, but I found quality of care to be high even though it was a month between appointments. I was dealt with at the Radboud UMC though, no idea how other hospitals are.

roy @corhocysen8/26/2023, 10:09 PM

i am already diagnosed and i take ritalin every day lol. it helps but it's no panacaea unfortunately.

i'm just really bad at self-directed stuff like this still. every little thing that comes up takes ages to resolve. doesn't help that a lot of the spare time i have is at times when it's worn off

kyle @-pegasus8/26/2023, 10:08 PM

I think what will help you is living in the house even though you don't think it's in a fit state to live in yet. It has four walls, closing doors and the roof keeps rain out, it's fundamentally ok enough to wake up on a mattress with no bedframe and start plastering in the next room in your underpants.

my dad literally did this and it worked.

cool ranch davidian @kuffs8/26/2023, 10:12 PM

Lowering the barrier to making progress on a project always helps me. Finding that little jolt of excitement about a project and immediately being able to take action on it.

roy @corhocysen8/26/2023, 10:19 PM

well see, the problem here is the stuff that requires thinking, planning, compromise, whatever. i need to buy some more stuff. i need to accept some things as a sunk cost and try something else. i need to figure out the order to lay some conduit in.

so that immediacy isn't there anyway. can't just impulsively order one thing at a time or shipping would ruin it.

thing is, i know myself well enough at this point to know that the frustration is a good sign, because it means i am close to pushing through it. i'm mostly just complaining that it's a shitty feeling

roy @corhocysen8/26/2023, 10:21 PM

it's when i really obsessively get into a bunch of other shit -- like, say, motorbikes, or learning Japanese... just hypothetical examples -- that's a bigger warning sign, because in retrospect it's always classic avoidant behaviour lol.

well, maybe not a warning sign, but... a sign? idk. i think it's also just how my brain takes a break, and is probably healthier to indulge a little than to try and resist

(which is not to say i'll stop being interested in those things. i just won't be as obsessive about it because thinking about it means not having to think about something else)

roy @corhocysen8/26/2023, 10:14 PM

i've considered it but between not having hot water, no ergonomic place to sit, no floors, and no electricity in most of the house, i'm pretty sure it would make me feel worse because it would make it harder to take breaks.

i am trying to get to a place where i can live there as quickly as possible, but i'll have to push through this first to get there i think

kyle @-pegasus8/26/2023, 10:15 PM

all is manageable!

roy @corhocysen8/26/2023, 10:25 PM

yeah ultimately i think i'll manage, i'm just complaining about it

Montrith @montrith8/27/2023, 9:50 AM

I know it's hard for Bad Brain to understand this when all you can see ahead is more work, but you've already gotten so much done! If you look back at from where you started and where you are now I bet you find mountains of work already completed. Missing deadlines always happens with building projects, you aren't doing any worse than anyone else who's ever tackled a project like this. On the contrary, I think you've shown much more initiative and put in a lot more effort than most people I'd expect to have done. You've got this, take a couple of brain days and rest. The house won't run away.

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roy

@corhocysen

RAL 6011 'Reseda green'

shitty day today

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