i went to a purim variety show hosted by a disability focused events group & it had mandatory masking & almost everyone was wearing a KN95 or better & it was so nice & made me. like. so sad? about the rest of my life? like it was so easy. a couple of the performers kept their masks on onstage, but a couple of the performers would take them off just while they were onstage & have them on the rest of the time, & that's. like. fine. bc everyone else in the room was wearing a high quality mask & there was a prominently featured air filter. & it was so easy. it was so so so easy. i miss performing. i miss shows. i miss them so much. if a room full of people would mask for me for 45 minutes, i could like, sing my songs for them again. you know? & i'm just so sad. i keep feeling like i've reached what has to be the end of my grief about this, like i must have burned everything out too much to even feel anything new in this particular field, but it turns out-- many such cases etc etc-- it's just endless. when i'm less busy with school, i'm going to get involved with a local clean air club that popped up recently, & that'll probably be really helpful, but for now i'm just... so... sad. again. always. the better world is so close to ours. it's right there. it's right there. i can touch it. sometimes i manage to put my whole hand on it but i just can't grab hold of it. i miss singing my songs. i miss singing my songs so fucking much & it would be so easy to make it possible. it's so close. i don't know.
like covid has just ripped music from me. it's crazy. the headaches i developed when i got it are still wreaking havoc on my ability to create. they're not as bad as they used to be, but they pop up when i push my brain too hard & cross some invisible threshold. i can go weeks without one now, but if i get one, i'll have aftershocks for the next few days where my tolerance is way lower & i keep getting them. & i don't really know why, but focusing on music & singing & writing seem to be a much faster trigger for them than other things. it's getting better, it is-- i can push further now, i get punished less for overextending-- & i guess i just have to keep working at it. gently. trying to stay gentle. & as it gets better, slowly, i'm like... will any progress just be straight-up erased if i catch it again? will it get worse & never get better? i keep thinking abt stephin merrit saying he hasn't finished a single song since he got covid. he's started hundreds & just hasn't finished them. i get so angry & i'm trying not to be angry but i get so so so angry. & sad. it could be easy. but it isn't. but. i will just keep trying to touch it until i can grab it. right?
