I'm not entirely sure where to start with anything when it comes to me figuring things out. But I figured I would put my thoughts down when I have them to try and help, or get some other opinions on where to go and what to do next.
So I guess this is my first post about it.
I don't feel like I should be human.
I won't go into too much detail, just getting down the basics, but I feel like I should be something else. Something more than what I am, but what exactly I do not know. This body seems... limited? Not in a bad way, but I feel like that I should not be this. Not be like this.
I don't know if I have phantom shifts, feel limbs, or if it is just my mind hoping for things to be where they are.
But it's not hard for me to feel(?), think(?) of my feet being different, being digitigrade, or unguligrade. Something that isn't plantigrade, but I can never figure out if it's more claws, paws or hooves.
I've always felt so weird about being tailless as well.
About not having larger canines, not having ears I can move and that can hear better. Not having a muzzle, or having some kind of face that isn't flat like it is now.
I started somewhat feeling this way around the time I also figured out I was queer and non-binary, though never thought about it before actually being among people who did identify as non-human in some way.
It was probably the being non-binary and such that first had the thoughts come to mind as I felt like my body wasn't right in how it is, what I have when it comes to specific parts. That I should naturally be more ambiguous, or a mix.
Even with all these feelings I cannot picture exactly what I am supposed to look like, what I would look like, if anything. I just know it wouldn't be human. I wouldn't be human.
The worst part is, that I don't know if this is actually me, or my brain thinking of what could be.
The last time I dipped my toes into exploring my identity with things like otherkin/therian and xenogenders/neopronouns, — which was about a year or so ago — I was sucked into a hard conversation with someone who means a lot to me. They have their own thoughts, strong opinions on things that they are not easily swayed from, gained from learning and studying over time.
But they spoke about how things like this are a delusional mindset that take away from someone being able to make their own identity without depending on something else, while sprinkling in the comment that things like xenogenders are harming the queer community.
It crushed me, and I scrubbed anything I had about anything to do with stuff from my profiles.
Yet the idea, the thoughts of my identity, and the hurt from that conversation has stayed since, coming and going in waves.
It wasn't until around now that I thought I would look back into things, but the hesitance is making it hard to think and let go. To really let myself relax and just be.
So I don't know what to do, or what any of this means, and I don't know if I will ever figure it out. =(
— Pandora
