I do honestly think that in some way I am not human.
I don’t think I ever have been completely human. My brain accepts that this body is what would be called human, and so I am limited to what humans are limited to. But I’m not human.
It’s hard to think about what exactly it means though. Hard to say how it feels. Mostly because I am not sure what language I can use? Would use?
I don’t have a single idea as to what my nonhumanity would even be, if anything. I want my teeth to fit my idea of what they should be like. I want a tail. How exactly things would look besides those vague concepts is fuzzy though, like my mind won’t allow me to settle on something. Won’t allow me to see myself.
Its so hard because I know, much like any part of identity, it’s a journey to figure out. It will take time. But my mind is screaming that it wants to know NOW, and the not knowing makes me second guess, doubt, wonder if I’m faking it, etc.
Confusing is the word I would use for it.
— Pandora