creature heart

sometimes I wonder why I bother with most things

I'm so caught up in my head about things that I just feel myself spiral down and then start to wonder if anything is worth it

if I'll ever truly know anything, if I'll ever be smart enough or good enough or know myself in any way or if I'm just stupid and too online to figure myself out

I dunno, I'm just feelin' it tonight and it is not good

I scribbled an "ideal self" thing which tbh isn't even exact and just vague ideas and scribbled thoughts. But I'll share it here anyway.

I dunno if this is similar to anything or means anything but I just wanted to get something down. Have wanted to make a pic of myself, my ideal self, for a while but can never figure things out. =(

I've always felt like my nonhuman self is incredibly vague.

I know that I wouldn't be human, or completely human if given the chance to make myself like how I really am, how I believe I should be.

I'd have a tail, sharp teeth, be able to switch between bipedal and quadrupedal stances comfortable, and my feet wouldn't be plantigrade. But besides those vague ideas I've never been able to pinpoint specifics.

What kind of tail?
What kind of teeth?
What kind of feet?

Is that simply because I have not found it yet, or because it's not there at all? I don't know.

Am I a mix of different creature parts and that is why I cannot focus on specifics? Are they only temporary additions to myself from being some kind of shapeshifter and so are not part of me constantly?

I need to probably actually read things about being nonhuman to see if they will help me, because I know that no one else can tell me what I am, or if I am actually anything.

I am nonhuman in some way. I do not feel like this body is what it should be. Or that I look the way I should. But I'm so scared of getting it wrong for some reason because I don't know if I experience what others do. And if I don't experience things does that make me fake?

I know that most of my posts have been along similar lines as this, but it's frustrating and upsetting that I feel like I have nothing.
I mentioned I might be questioning some types but am I actually questioning them? Are my reasons — which I know I don't really need, yet feel like I do — enough for me to count them as me.

I know I don't need specifics and I know I don't have to rush things, but I feel like I can't really do anything because I feel like I have nothing to talk about, nothing to share, nothing to reblog besides vague things, etc, etc.