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in reply to @152Createz's post:
I think you did a decent job! You did well capturing a very forthright negotiation. If you're looking for places to improve, it's not really clear what Allure or Sniper see in each other aside from the transactional "I get sleep, you get my powers" exchange. It's also clear that you aren't really sure how to end the piece, but like, endings are hard, that's just something that improves with practice. You definitely got me interested in the group dynamics of the Magic Troop, though!
Thanks for the feedback! To be completely honest, I don’t know what they see in each other aside from the transaction either. I’ll keep in mind that that’s something to figure out when I’m writing. Also endings are so hard. I don’t know how you all do it lol
If you ever figure it out let me know, I'm firing with my eyes shut still |D
A vibe I kinda got about what they see in each other is the fun of the push and pull of (antagonistic) banter, starting sort of awkwardly and then Allure finding themself on the backfoot more than once which seems like a challenge to overcome they don't often get (so they'd maybe push more and get invested). I could see a possible development into the sort of comfortable banter (but maybe sometimes still Allure flubbing it, or better yet Magic Sniper flubbing it once Allure finds their stride with him), and then Allure having to contend internally with having the comfortable banter relationship with Magic Sniper, and vice versa.
Great stuff! Fun read~
This is alright. You did a good job of setting the scene and staying focused on the important parts, that being the characters and the dialogue in this case. I’m not sure what they see in each other besides a pure transactional deal, but that’s not a terrible thing. It sounds like they don’t interact a ton, so they may not have any deeper connection yet.
The end is also a bit weak, but as was said earlier by someone else, endings are hard. Unfortunately I have too little experience writing sexy stuff to offer much advice for this scene. :(
Maybe I'm just filling in the blanks here, but to me the thing they want from each other is obvious? The succubus sees sniper as a challenge, and the sniper sees her as a means to an end, sure, but also as a chance to play around with the usual power dynamics; both of them might enjoy the sniper being in control of the situation, and there's some interesting friction to be had there? I dunno, maybe I'm reaching.
Anyway, I thought it was good! I like a coolheaded sniper character, and they bantered pretty well with each other
oh, this is a super cool take on this dynamic, I like how this led into flirtation and borderline-defection rather than conflict within the team
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