damon

@damon

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damon
@damon
vectorpoem
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julez
@julez

give teenagers the space to grow

ok so i have some thoughts about extending a little grace and compassion to teenagers whose takes might seem really bad and misinformed:

  • speaking from a place of pain/fear: when i was growing up i didn't really learn any emotional regulation skills from my parents, so often my opinions about the world were tapping into a deeply Hurt place and all that intensity would be channeled into my 'takes' which felt really immediate and really real to me. It took time for me to learn those skills and I had to be in a place of safety (outside my parent's control) to be able to form opinions on things in a more thoughtful way with historical context and extending empathy to others
  • controlled access to information: some minors have really terrible access to information, whether outright misinformation, lacking media literacy, or growing up in a dogmatic religious culture! This sucks and isn't their fault! what's more, I think especially young people are more likely to regurgitate something they've heard as a way to figure out what they think about something (I think this is unconscious) for example when I was a teenager I had what I now consider a really shitty 'feminist' take on porn! I was regurgitating some 'feminist' anti-porn take that I had read online that I 100% do not stand by now but i was trying to take on a big issue by claiming confidently that I knew where I stood on the issue, this was a false borrowed kind of confidence but it was a way of learning all the same because it would provoke conversations
  • kids need to learn how to make mistakes without public ridicule and violence: mistakes are inevitable in all of us! I think myself and probably many others feel like when you make a mistake it's crushing, humiliating, and even catastrophic to your sense of stability in your relationships! we need compassion when we are learning! we need to understand that we are safe in relationships as we are learning and won't be punished by people making us the butt of a joke for how much we have yet to grow or how much we don't understand about the world yet! I want to live in a world where we don't stunt the growth of minors or younger people because it's easier to mock their ignorance than thinking of them as whole complex people who need love and safety!
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wolf-and-ghostling
@wolf-and-ghostling

agreed. i deeply relate to your personal experience. i do wish people had more empathy even without the personal experience, though. and even when these kids have the most ideal lives, being Like That is just part of being young. life is so much! it is so hard. it's terrifying. we need understanding and support. and let's be honest, pretty much all of us had bad takes and were annoying as hell as teens sometimes. it is natural. a lot of adults like to talk about how cringey memories from when we were younger keep us up at night, and how you've got to forgive yourself and accept you were young and dumb, and be proud of how you've grown as a person. and that's great ! but you need to extend the same grace to teens today. not wanting to engage with them is perfectly fine, bullying is not. many will eventually go through a period of deep shame over their behaviours as teens (which are normal for both brain and societal reasons!), we do not need to further shame them or make them anxious for having been wrong. surprise ! we are all wrong sometimes. we all fuck up. at any age. people forget that so much. i do not think adults calmly and constructively explaining issues to teens is wrong obviously, i am referring to the vitriol grown people engage with teens with.

like you said, teaching young people that making mistakes is catastrophic and you are forever a bad person... the implications of that, oof.

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julez
@julez

so true in that you don’t necessarily need to have similar experiences to extend empathy! i figured i’d make my points clearer by relating it to my personal examples! and yeah you’re right about shame and cringe and how doing and saying things you regret is part of the experience of growing and reflecting!

public shame as a phenomenon of the internet is such a wild thing where like yeah jk rowling should be publicly shamed for being a terf and platforming hate towards a vulnerable population, but like teenagers people have bad one-on-one interactions with don’t need to be shamed on a public forum i think that lacks a lot of consideration

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wolf-and-ghostling
@wolf-and-ghostling

your personal examples are wonderfully helpful in this context (and heartbreaking). i find most people who react a certain way simply do not have any base to imagine someone's situation, so getting a first hand perspective can be really eye opening and help in future. apologies if my wording seemed dismissive, it was not meant to be in the slightest !

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Malusdraco
@Malusdraco

Plus one especially to unlearning the “mistakes are unforgivable” rhetoric. If we’re old enough to understand that’s bad, we should also be old enough to understand that we can’t be pushing that onto others

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wolf-and-ghostling
@wolf-and-ghostling

also !! i understand that adults are tired of kids infringing upon their personal online spaces. i am also tired of that. but none of it justifies the hate i've seen people respond with? you complain of kids not knowing not to get in your business instead of backspacing away from your page, but shouldn't you as the adult know better too: politely block them and move on? nobody is forcing you to be patient and understanding with younger people, but being hateful is your choice, and it is not justified.

one of the worst parts of the capitalist world wide web is that sites meant for kids and teens are not profitable so they don't exist anymore. when i joined the internet it was full of forums and message boards and sites like gaia online that were primarily for us. no full separation either direction, but it felt like mainly the two demographics stuck to their side. that is not the case anymore. on top of that it seems like they're not really taught any computer and internet literacy things in school anymore because they're just expected to already know that... because they grew up with it? so they don't understand how to curate their own digital experience + have the personality you'd expect from their age. of course we find them annoying in our adult spaces when they are offended they are not being catered to and stir up discourse. but where exactly should they go instead? i can't really think of any place that's for them. and a lot of them are too young to actively engage with policy making and changing in regards to how the internet works. that's something we all should be more involved with because it affects all of us.

and the situation seems similar offline too. there's just fewer and fewer spaces built for and around the needs of younger people. on top of the obvious, one of these needs is not constantly stumbling upon people who really wish kids weren't there ! guidance and support from adults is so important when you're growing up. but not every adult is a good person for that role.

sorry i have a lot of feelings about how we hate and isolate some of the most vulnerable members of our communities because of how helpless it feels to fight the actual sources of the shit they easily fall for. and then that just pulls them deeper into those bad takes because people did not have the patience and kindness to help them out 🙃

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julez
@julez

so true! teens have no third spaces, like when i was a kid i would hang out in parking lots way too often bc there was no where else to simply exist! never thought about it much in the internet context but you’re super right

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yamda
@yamda

learning...from mistakes...Not making fun of others for not knowing ? You're asking too much of our current society pal
(Jokes aside wholeheartedly agree. Let's all fight for a world like this)

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