it really happened. i saw a CRT half a block down the alley from my house, it looked very thoroughly abandoned, I took it home, cleaned it up, plugged it in, and it works perfectly1. It's a Sony Trinitron KV-20TS30, released in 1989 as far as I can tell (notice that gorgeous 1980s faux-granite detailing on the side... I LOVE that).
It does have some body damage (the cover meant to go over the adjustment pots on the front is missing, the back stickers are browning, the rear A/V connectors are clearly a bit old/rusted) but it seems to work mostly fine (as evidenced by this PS2). The sound is kind of wildly loud and clear, way more than I expected. All the buttons seem to work as far as I can tell.
If I can get a few things on it adjusted/fixed it'll probably be better than my other CRT that I spent $100 for at a secondhand store, lol.
1there is a bit of warping & discoloration on the left side of the screen, but it's very minor overall and probably fixable if I got a technician to look at it. the screen honestly looks great.