• she/her

41, queer trans furry trash, actual professional deer, perpetually tired // mostly 18+ but let’s say entirely 18+ to be safe


bsky
deergrace.bsky.social

TerraSabaea
@TerraSabaea

i remember seeing a tweet a while back along the lines of "for a lot of you starting hormones there will be a moment where everything clicks and you realize everything will be alright". it must have been last december around this time, since it was just after i had started on mine and i was desperately looking forward to that moment. i hoped it might be a christmas present to myself.


as december continued i started noticing small improvements in my life. the urge to drink myself out of body suddenly vanished (although this might have been in part shock to find i had gone through a fifth of whiskey in three days), but the moment didn't come before christmas. nor did it come for my birthday in february, although the small physical changes i was beginning to see certainly made me feel increasingly at home in my body.

despite the improvements around the edges i was more depressed than i'd ever been. not that i thought that hormones would be a magical cure-all going in, but i certainly thought they would do more than leave me feeling like i was still mostly standing in place.

then in mid-april, it happened.

god, the moment is still just as vivid now as it was then, even after the rest of the year has slowly oozed from memory. there was a feeling of suffocation, the vague awareness during the struggle that the lights were soon about to go out for good. i was leaving the house for a short walk, and as i opened the front door it was if everything burst into life. every one of the senses walking through the technicolor door like judy garland in the wizard of oz. the velvet blue sky on frosted skin. spring bloom and gasoline and salt air and the crisp of spring. crickets chirping and birds cooing and the sound of evening breeze through the trees. vitality spreading from my lungs to every capillary in my body.

but this was not a sensual overload, in fact, it felt like i was suddenly aware and appreciative of every exact detail. the totality of the world system and our constructions upon it. i can't say whether the moment everything clicking into place was a glimpse of enlightenment or simply feeling the awareness most people feel when they haven't intentionally deadened their senses to deal with dysphoria. all i can say is that person was right, i did have a moment, and when i did my life irrevocably changed for the better.

i am now at home in my body. i smile when i see myself in the mirror, and love to share pictures modeling the wardrobe i am slowly piecing together. when people talk to me i don't feel the urge to shrink away, instead i'm ready to smile and engage. the best moments are when i don't even have to think, i just smile and bask in mental sunshine. in a moment my life returned to me and i was gifted the peace i'd desperately sought for over a decade. the moment gave me a future, and i'm determined not to squander it.


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