something happened that was improbable, not my fault, and just-barely poorly timed, and it sent me spiraling pretty hard. been struggling not to be mad at myself today. skipped lunch because i couldn’t think about eating, just too mad at myself and had work to do. trying to pretend like i’m not mad at myself isn’t working.
feeling shitty at my job and like i’m fucking up my relationships too.
i know it’s just attention-seeking behavior to make chosts like this. i know it’s wrong. i know it’s unacceptable and inconsiderate and stupid.
sometimes i just need to know that people know i’m not doing great. i consider it a character flaw. used to do this all the time on twitter until i made myself stop. and yet i’m doing it again here.
if i were a considerate person i would scrap this chost and delete the prior one, but i’m fuckin weak and stupid and evil so i’ll post this anyway.
trying to pretend like i’m not mad at myself
this isn't the way. you can't force yourself to feel or not feel something1
let yourself feel mad. you can feel mad while also knowing that the anger is unwarranted. you can tell yourself that you're mad at yourself, and that's okay, it will pass. feel it, cry if you need to, and it will pass
1 you too, dissociative folks. you can cordon off the feeling, but it doesn't go away, it just festers out of sight
It's hard to do, especially when you're in a heightened emotional state, but it does help to think of emotions as weather, but in your brain.
When it rains I don't stand there trying to will the sky to be clear. I grab an umbrella. Or stay inside. Or I put on rubber boots and a raincoat and go out to splash on the puddles. I'll clean the mud off my boots tomorrow.
Btw, wanting attention and sharing your emotions with people is not evil, it's normal. It's the most natural thing in the world to want others to be aware of you, to see you and acknowledge your reality. Hopefully, to offer help or at least commiseration. It comes with being a gregarious creature.
We're not meant to exist by ourselves.