i thought there was something "wrong with me" because i was having trouble writing code over the weekend - instead i was spending my time playing games.
it was clear to me that i was tired and exhausted. but the idea that i was doing something wrong persisted, even though i had given myself permission to rest.
i was asking myself, "why did you think something was wrong, just because you were tired?"
i had a lot of answers as to why i was tired. i'm still getting used to:
- writing a lot of code at work,
- talking about that code at work (in depth), and also
- writing code "for fun" with the rest of my spare time
i didn't write as much code at previous jobs, or i would write code over longer periods of time. i like writing more code at this job, but it does take a toll that i am not familiar with.
as to why i thought something was "wrong with me", i think it's because of how much i've integrated "i am a programmer, i spend my time programming" into my identity and sense of self. it's how i've presented myself to others for many years.
i'm re-evaluating this quite a bit recently! it reminds me of a confusing experience i had repeatedly a few years ago:
back in the day, when i knew very few programmers, i would become EXTREMELY EXCITED when i ran into another Haskell programmer in person
sometimes the Haskell programmer did not want to talk about Haskell - i was very shocked by this
i remember being surprised that someone could enjoy programming, while also not wanting to talk about programming all the time
i did not get to talk about programming as much as i wanted to - to me, the opportunity to talk about programming is a gift! it was an opportunity that must be seized, no matter the cost!
right?
finally, after all these years of confusion, i think i get it.
it hurts when you care about something, you want to talk about it, and you can't. you know that it would feels very healing to get to discuss your passions with others who are interested.
i always had friends who were willing to listen, but i was eager to find someone who was searching for the same answers i found myself looking for, of their own volition, on their own journey.
and i did. it took at least a year of effort! i have a much larger network of peers. i get to talk about programming as much as i want. sometimes, i even find myself talking about programming more than i would like!
and when you get that sense of release, it becomes increasingly apparent that life is a lot bigger than programming - or whatever other interest you might have held dear.
but when you're desperate to talk about something, and you can't find an outlet, it is easy to imagine yourself defined by the conversation you imagine yourself missing.
for me, the fix wasn't becoming more of a programmer - it was just meeting more people, asking more questions, attending more events, going out of my way to say hello, and doing my best to make my work accessible to others.