for real though i am. Very Very Very angry, like i'm trying to celebrate today but i do need to get the Rage out of my system too.
man. man. man. tendonitis is so common, so treatable, so diagnose-able i had basically already diagnosed it myself. what i have been describing this entire time is the absolute most classic tendonitis shit, but doctors were like "fibromyalgia! depression! making it up for drugs!" i probably could have recovered in 2014 if i'd seen the right doctor and been sent to PT with any direction (i did get sent to PT, but they didn't know what to do with me because i HAD NO DIAGNOSIS). but instead i was put on a gaslighting roller coaster, sent home repeatedly without solutions, tortured to the point of having to try antidepressants because i was in such a dark place mentally, had to spend another year recovering from the extreme trauma caused by What Happens When Antidepressants Are Extremely Wrong For You Specifically, went to a pain management class where i learned almost nothing, gave up for a while, limped through 9 years of my post-college adult life unable to work enough to make ends meet, spun out in late December and finally finally finally got a real diagnosis TODAY, more than ten years after my first visit to the doctor about The World's Most Obviously Real Tendonitis Symptoms.
i have a very firm suspicion that if i were a cis man of a societally acceptable weight it never would have taken all of this. there's no way i can prove it and really no avenue for justice. what i deserve for what i've been put through is, i dunno, at least a cool million dollars and several very very long written apologies, but i don't have the money or energy for a lawsuit so like. it's just going in the pile of Heinous Wrongs that have been done to me that will never be answered for, i guess. story of my fuckin' life.
but i still win.
i am
-very angry and very sad
-a huge fucking badass
-smarter than most doctors, apparently, and i don't love that for me or society
-The Fucking Strong
-full of pizza that had 3 kinds of pepperoni on it

