i didn't realize it until 24 hours after the appointment, but the ortho pulled up my old MRI results and pointed out the inflammation. and i went ah yes. inflammation. that's what happens with tendonitis. i know that from googling what was wrong with me 10,000 times over the past 10 years.
my MRI results. from the beginning of the second year of my ordeal.
the normal ones they said showed nothing wrong with me.
ah.
iirc that was one of the times i held it together, got out of the doctor's office, got home on the bus, came home and just screamed and cried until i was too exhausted to scream and cry any more.
one of the other reasons it took me so long to seek diagnosis again, other than the fear and hopelessness that medical abuse instills in you, is the awareness that there would be aftershocks.
it's all so fucking stupid and it never had to happen. it's so fucking stupid. ten years of my life, ruined for nothing. was i lied to? was it just incompetence? did they lie to me to cover up the previous incompetence, knowing that i'd been suffering pointlessly for over a year and i might have good reason to be really, really mad? i doubt anyone even took the time to think it through that much, honestly. god, it's so fucking stupid.
i was so goddamn nice to and so patient with so many people who deserve a brick to the face until it's a closed casket funeral kind of situation.
gonna be working through this for a while. like maybe another ten years.

