feel free to ignore bc im just kind of musing and journaling about my own state of mind lately, but i think i need this out (somewhere people can see it) rather than out (in my journal where no one will see it) if it makes sense
i've been withdrawing quite a bit lately, in a way that makes me feel like i wasted a lot of efforts/improvements i made in the first place. opening up, talking about what i'm up to or how i feel these days... it doesn't come easily in general but lately, it's been worse.
i get homework from my therapist, he asks me to write down what happiness means to me. "i don't know" but then i have to dig deeper and figure it out, bit by bit. "i'm not unhappy", a half truth. it's not like i truly am unhappy or that i'm sad but i'm not happy either. that true state of neutrality. depression, maybe? "no, not quite, something else" but then my therapist says apathy is a symptom. so it could be that. he asks me how i've been feeling lately and i deflect it
maybe i just don't like thinking about myself too hard, it isn't necessarily weird. most people can't stand being in their own head half as much as i am. so it wouldn't be bizarre to say "i try not to think about it". but then it's a half truth, because i still do it. so which one is it?
i am smaller emotionally. i get smaller bit by bit, or rather, bite by bite. as if something's eating at me, but then i don't know what or why. i feel like i'm invisible, like i can't bring myself to take up much space. it's not something foreign to me (in fact it's something i've felt for most of my life, i think) but this time, it's puzzling.
"i used to be able to do it" at least i think that way? i don't know if it's true. it's not necessarily a lie, nor wrong. i don't know if i miss it, though. it's more that i wish i was still capable of doing it.
