it took three decades and change to find my groove.
I don't resent this or feel it was overlong, it happened when it needed to happen.
a childhood of absolute rock bottom self-esteem and zero confidence to speak of.
teenage years lived basically entirely online discovering my interests and finally finding my people (nerds, also living online) but still a foggy reflection of myself, deferential to those I looked up to - almost everyone.
university years in a comfy bubble, getting high 24/7, in company of friends doing exactly the same thing, but still always following not only their lead, but being led also by my own fear of self-expression.
young adult life being utterly lost. still scrounging money to get stoned every day to make feeling lost more bearable anyway.
mid-20s revelations of gender, free of those particular shackles but weighed down by fear of transmisogyny almost as much as when I was closeted - having a great time becoming a new person but too preoccupied with the cultural, financial and personal stresses of transitioning to really allow myself to do the self-actualisation that goes right to my core. to know how to be myself.
the following years after my trial-by-fire of feeling like an Under Construction geocities gif, trying to settle myself and just exist in a place that I like, forming and running the communities in my city that nobody else had done yet, gaining confidence in hosting but still using the distance I have as a community organiser as a crutch against the unpleasantly weighted blanket of social anxiety because of the pressures to interact socially when that safety net isn't there.
over the course of this year, something just clicked. I guess I just stopped actually giving a fuck about a few things, but it's not just the dropping of anxieties - god knows if I restarted forcing myself into situations I don't wanna be in again I'm still gonna feel that weight - but also I value myself too much to allow that pressure to get me into those situations. I learned to embrace who I am, to be my own fucking hypewoman, to embrace the traits that make me me - including my shyness and other aspects that used to make me feel lesser than others. to not be deferential to others by default, to not constantly put people on a pedestal, to see friends as equals, to be able to wholeheartedly and without reservation feel OK with myself.
to finally, finally, let myself just feel fucking good.
