Jeez. In 2024 I just wanted -- needed -- to chill. But sometimes life just keeps Happening.
It's been a roller coster. Depression struggles (but still pushing myself into the queer & poly events spaces here),
to falling in love,
to trying to deal with and work through a lot of unpredictable and rocky relationship struggles,
to a fun and busy outing to a heavy music festival in the Netherlands,
to getting crazy ill there (for the second year in a row...),
to a wonderful two weeks in Seattle,
to getting tonsillitis there,
to having non-stop gigs and events here, and London, and Manchester,
to catching the flu,
to a previously close friend who had ghosted me suddenly coming back into my life,
and now to separating with my live-in partner of 8 years, dealing with everything that comes with that both emotionally and logistically while we move into different bedrooms.
All the while having a consistently stuffy throat, foggy brain and lower energy levels for about 3 months now interspersed with those periods of bad illness.
I've been ready and excited to move on with my life, and I think I'd already done a lot of that processing and grieving while trying to work on our relationship, but this really came right at the moment when I thought things would calm down, and my calendar was empty. But, it needed to happen and it's for the best, for me and for my best friend (and then-metamour) who, despite all my efforts and care to prevent it, got tangled up and hurt by my own relationship issues too.
Right now though, thanks to my foggy brain, and the general stress and overwhelm of everything going on, and processing the breakup, I just feel numb. Like a zombie. Like I gotta just get through the heavy lifting (physically and otherwise). Things are not bad here and the atmosphere is OK, which I'm extremely grateful for, and I'll be seeing a specialist next week who can hopefully tell me about what the fuck is going on with my body, but... this year, man.
But I remain optimistic. I'm ready for a positive and healthier future.
I finally went out for a bike ride the other day. I've been so alternately busy or ill (or resting to recuperate from either) that I haven't even managed that for months. It was lovely, and I can't wait for more.