As I've gone on through the winter, I've been looking forward to the changing of the seasons, the abundance of natural light, pleasant breezes and banishment of persistent grey skies. I've had a rough couple of months, or more - a struggle to find the energy, self-esteem and vivaciousness I managed to hold for quite a while last year - and the year before, too. The thing is, that only came out outside of the winter months.
It's so frustrating. Feeling like I'm losing a part of myself that I need, something that I know is inside me and felt so rare and new. Now I just feel an old familiarity. Struggling to do just about anything (unless it immediately interests me and the interest catches me at an opportune moment), feeling unable to express myself, wanting to socialise and feel that optimism about all of the friends, art, music, games and creativity I can look forward to.
The one main thing I've been able to stick with is playing Rock Band on my drum kit - it's exercise, it's rhythm, it's music, it's video games. Perfect combo of me feeling like I've actually achieved something, and maybe I have in terms of drumming technique and burning some calories. I'm so grateful for it.
Instead I've been running on fumes, any social plans require me to really rev myself up and just get through it, then I can't wait to be back home again to just do nothing again and ease that mental load. Doing housework, any house improvements that need doing, other commune responsibilities. I can do it, but that is me done for the day. I feel a distance from my friends and family that makes me feel quite misanthropic, honestly. And I hate it.
I've been treating this depression like, oh I just gotta get through this winter, then I'll be fine and back on track again!
And I hope so!! But I don't want to be naive. I can't tell the future and just wait for everything to blow over. The better I look after myself, broadly speaking, the more likely I'll be able to get to a better state mentally.
So what could I do?
Well...
I can start running again. When I was unmedicated, I found running to be great for my ADHD, specifically the times I feel all kinds of spun out, unable to organise my thoughts. But I'm sure the long-term impact on my mental health was positive, too. Healthier body, healthier mind. It's so hard to get myself out there during the winter months, and while I've succeeded now and again, I'm more relieved it's over than just feeling good and looking forward to the next one.
I can write more and try to express myself. Previously I felt like I'd really found more about who I was, and how to nurture and love that aspect of myself, and I was able to feel it with no inhibitions. I could lean into it and feel fucking good about myself. Now I feel like a bit of a shell of that person, like she doesn't exist anymore. I'm just a downcast, exhausted nobody who is struggling to maintain any social connections or be genuinely happy or excited to see anyone. But I know all of this can't be true. Maybe a part of being a confident foxgirl also involves hibernating as a necessity? I want to write about these feelings more, but the fact that it's taken literally months to be able to express these feelings in a post like this demonstrates the difficulty I have at the moment in getting feelings out of my mind and onto a paper/website/out of my mouth. It's a combination of lacking the energy, and lacking the words at the same time.
I'm trying to be kind to myself but I need to remind myself more often that I need to do so. That having a downcast period is OK and I don't need to be harsh on myself as a result. I just really hope it doesn't stick around too long, because it's exhausting, and annoying, and I have so many cool things happening this year that I want to look forward to. I really really want to.
There's probably other stuff I can do, but once again I am now completely spent trying to get these words out and need to go lie down for a while. Goodbye