meadow

Jeez. In 2024 I just wanted -- needed -- to chill. But sometimes life just keeps Happening.

It's been a roller coster. Depression struggles (but still pushing myself into the queer & poly events spaces here),
to falling in love,
to trying to deal with and work through a lot of unpredictable and rocky relationship struggles,
to a fun and busy outing to a heavy music festival in the Netherlands,
to getting crazy ill there (for the second year in a row...),
to a wonderful two weeks in Seattle,
to getting tonsillitis there,
to having non-stop gigs and events here, and London, and Manchester,
to catching the flu,
to a previously close friend who had ghosted me suddenly coming back into my life,

and now to separating with my live-in partner of 8 years, dealing with everything that comes with that both emotionally and logistically while we move into different bedrooms.

All the while having a consistently stuffy throat, foggy brain and lower energy levels for about 3 months now interspersed with those periods of bad illness.

I've been ready and excited to move on with my life, and I think I'd already done a lot of that processing and grieving while trying to work on our relationship, but this really came right at the moment when I thought things would calm down, and my calendar was empty. But, it needed to happen and it's for the best, for me and for my best friend (and then-metamour) who, despite all my efforts and care to prevent it, got tangled up and hurt by my own relationship issues too.

Right now though, thanks to my foggy brain, and the general stress and overwhelm of everything going on, and processing the breakup, I just feel numb. Like a zombie. Like I gotta just get through the heavy lifting (physically and otherwise). Things are not bad here and the atmosphere is OK, which I'm extremely grateful for, and I'll be seeing a specialist next week who can hopefully tell me about what the fuck is going on with my body, but... this year, man.

But I remain optimistic. I'm ready for a positive and healthier future.

I finally went out for a bike ride the other day. I've been so alternately busy or ill (or resting to recuperate from either) that I haven't even managed that for months. It was lovely, and I can't wait for more.

I'm continuing to have an incredibly good time in Seattle, my first time in the city and a place I quickly grew to love, the same way it didn't take me long at all to love my own city of Bristol. And while it's felt full, and fulfilling, I've managed to keep a good amount of time to parallel with my partner and I've had lots of headspace to think about my life and about game design.

I've had various ideas swirling around in my head, for months, for long enough in fact that I probably could've even made a game or a couple smaller ones in that time, but it's just not how I operate. I think my motivated and active times seem to be on a seasonal schedule and I need a long time to recover from large, significant projects or life events. Plus, I just feel... so much more alive during the warmer months.

One idea has taken form though. One that started as a possible remake, or sequel, to my original game but that is enough of a lowkey, cute lil project I did that it's not something I need to really stay attached to. Aside from a couple posts, I was happy to hit the publish button and send the game to the winds. The ideas that informed it, however - an adventure game based around freeform exploration and discovery - has stuck, and a combination of lots of thinking, writing, doodling and a particularly beautiful mushroom trip has left me with a concrete idea in my head.

Originally I was going to do a bunch of prototyping and see what shakes out, and I don't want to put the cart too much before the horse, but right now I feel a burning desire to create a more fully fleshed out design document. A place I can lay out the game flow and individual puzzles and try to get something that feels like a cohesive whole to work with, and no doubt alter and improve and iterate on later. The full pull-back-and-reveal of discovery, and the world, and the (silent-ish) protagonist's development. Something that feels big and significant, but still a cute and pocket-sized adventure. Something that, if I can do it right, will bury in the heads of those who allow themselves to get stuck in.

I don't wanna talk a big game because I'm still an inexperienced game designer, but I guess I just want to express that right now I feel awake - I feel this burning desire to commit to game design fully over programming or art and I'm incredibly excited by the potential of the game space I am carving both in my head and in a document, and no doubt will be on a bunch of scrawls on paper too.

In my head, everything is cohesive, everything makes sense, everything flows, everything is pieced together elegantly. But this is an abstracted feeling - I just have to work on it, and capture it, and build it.