Because it's less than an hour of wrestling so worst case scenario I'm still not losing a lot of time.
For some context on the state of what was at the time called Total Nonstop Action Wrestling: The previous two years had seen the promotion build up a following, but there was still the little problem of their business model not working. TNA had been running weekly pay-per-view shows, which doesn't exactly work out since you don't have any way of showing your product to people without them paying for it, so even if you're doing the best shows in all of wrestling (and really, TNA wasn't anywhere near that mark) you still aren't gonna be drawing a lot of new eyes per show. As such, TNA was pretty much just a hole for Jeff Jarrett to throw the money he made scamming Vince down during its early years. It only survived because one of the fans it did get, Dixie Carter, was the rather wealthy heiress to Panda Energy, a dam company that was doing good business. She bought TNA, and with the dam money they weren't in any danger of immediately folding, but they still needed to do something to make money. Thus, a switch to a more conventional model with a weekly TV show, which they named TNA Impact!.
There, backstory over. Time for wrestling.
After an opening sequence with some really cheesy post-processing effects, we head to the show itself, coming to us from Universal Orlando's Soundstage 21! Our first match features Team Canada (consisting of Petey Williams, Eric Young, Bobby Roode, and their manager Scott D'Amore) facing off against Amazing Red, Sonjay Dutt, and Hector Garza (wrestling as Team International). Interesting that Scott D'Amore is in the first ever Impact entrance and is still there, though obviously he's not playing an annoying hockey coach these days. The match is...well, it's got stuff going on more or less all the time, but I personally don't think they do enough to make it worth caring about. It doesn't help that the only member of Team International not wearing red is Sonjay who barely gets to do anything, while Team Canada are obviously all gonna be in red, which makes it hard for someone like me who's looking into this from the future and isn't really focused on the stuff they had set up at the time to follow. Still, the crowd seemed to like it and it's not like it was bad or anything. Team International go over, there's a "USA!" chant that's probably meant to be supporting them even though they've only got one member being billed as American, and the crowd is suitably warmed up.
More interesting is the format of the match. They have a running match timer at the top of the screen (referred to as the Fox Box even though that was something else back then) and a chyron that appears at the bottom of the screen to recap other developments in TNA. Gives the whole thing a more sports-like presentation that's interesting for a lot of reasons, not the least of which is how TNA had been selling themselves up to that point. Commentators Mike Tenay and Don West (may he rest in peace) talk it up a bit, but they're more interested in the six-sided ring, which TNA was just debuting in this show. Tenay seems very interested in discussing what it means for the wrestlers and what they can do.
After that and a commercial break, we go to West and Tenay as they put over the history of TNA leading up to their second anniversary, showing a key moment from the first ever TNA PPV to celebrate. I do not envy whoever had to go through that thing and find a moment worth highlighting, honestly. They went with Jeff Jarrett losing his feud with country singer and 9/11 profiteer Toby Keith, and the fact that you could honestly make a case for that being one of the better moments they could've gone with says something about that particular show. They tell us that they'll be showing these kinds of flashback moments through the whole month, and Tenay also reminds us that they're still doing weekly PPVs because apparently they haven't quite realized how bad of an idea that was yet.
Our next match features Shark Boy, best known for getting a really big settlement from Miramax after their "he wears a costume therefore case closed" argument failed to convince anyone of anything, facing off against Abyss. Not to disappoint any Shark Boy fans reading this too much, but he doesn't exactly do great against TNA's premier big man, though he does at least get a little offense in before the Black Hole Slam and three count. More intriguing to me is the commentary telling me that Abyss is being managed by, of all people Goldilocks, the backstage interviewer from the first PPV who is apparently also the ex-girlfriend (onscreen, at least) of Erik Watts of all people. I mean, it's not intriguing in a "this is pretty cool" way so much as a "what even is this nonsense they were booking in '04" way.
Really, Erik Watts?
There's also a bit where Shark Boy gets consoled over his loss by...Popeye? Really? Guess Universal Orlando wanted some cross-promotion considering they also talk up a related attraction at the park.
Next up it's the NWA World Tag Team championship on the line, as America's Most Wanted (Chris Harris and James Storm) challenge reigning champions Kid Kash and Dallas. Cagematch tells me that Dallas is none other than the Murderhawk Monster Lance Archer at an earlier point in his career, which is neat I guess. Dude's kinda green-looking here but he's big enough that it doesn't really matter. Don West also announces an event where they're taking fan votes for who gets to challenge the winners of this one on their website, which is an interesting idea but honestly I feel like it just guarantees a heatless match for those viewers who don't care about the website. The match itself? I've seen worse. It's got a few seconds of decent mat wrestling at the start, a neat spot where Kid Kash does a moonsault off Dallas' shoulders (seriously we should see that more often), and it ends with AMW winning with...a surprise roll-up on Dallas. Okay then.
We then get Tenay introducing Dusty Rhodes as the judge for the main event, which the crowd seems to appreciate. I certainly appreciate Dusty's cowboy hat, if nothing else. Dusty cuts a somewhat rambling promo about the tradition behind the NWA championship leading up to a discussion of Jeff Jarrett winning the gold in...the first ever King of the Mountain match. Just as he's getting into what he thinks of Jarrett the man himself comes out to mock him for wrestling when he's old. I'm sure this won't look hilariously hypocritical twenty years down the line.
(Admittedly Jeff's damn good for his age, but still.)
Naturally the American Dream's having none of this, and we get a brawl that also involves Ron "the Truth" Killings1, BG James2, and Konnan3. BG James then cuts a promo on Jarrett challenging him to a match on the next PPV.
After that, Tenay tells us that they'll have Shane Douglas talking with Vince Russo, who for some reason is being billed as the NWA Director of Authority. To which I say, at least he didn't make Tyrus the world champion.
We then get a hype package about the X Division and how it's the most exciting thing in wrestling, because we're gonna be determining their next #1 contender in our four-way main event.
Shane Douglas asks Vince Russo who the last entrant in the main event is, because three of them (Chris Sabin, Primetime, and Michael Shane) were known ahead of time. Unfortunately he happens to be asking Vince Russo about this, so he gets nothing out of him beyond some rambling that doesn't say anything. Fortunately we're not gonna be waiting long since the match is up next.
Our mystery fourth competitor? AJ Styles. Hardly a bad choice, really. Kinda poetic, even, considering he was the first guy to step into a TNA ring on TV.
The match itself is a perfectly acceptable spotfest. I feel like it maybe should've gotten more time, since these guys very obviously barely got through half of what they wanted to show off. Styles goes over, though.
And that's the first ever Impact! Honestly something of a nothing show, historical significance aside. I like the sports-y elements they had going, though
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Who was a heel on the first TNA PPV for insisting that NASCAR drivers don't belong in a wrestling ring
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AKA Road Dogg, who somehow wound up being the Jannetty to Billy Gunn of all people
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The guy the Max Moon costume was meant for until he realized how little the WWF was paying him