eblu

send me veni/whirli/scolipedes • 22

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if I had to give my 2022 a theme, it would have to be "disconnection."

I left a couple friend groups over the year. one a little more involuntarily out of exhaustion and blind panic, the other because I wanted to set my own boundaries distance myself from people that weren't making me happy. it almost feels poetic in that emotional maturity led me to the same outcome as my emotionally immature self, except that I feel much more satisfied and less "why won't this get out of my head" about it.

I'm starting to understand myself. I still feel like my head and my heart are oh so far away, but I can feel for my boundaries a little more and can kind of understand when things are getting out of hand? either way, I realized that I really have been reclusive and while I still have no idea how to get out and meet people, I've been striking up a lot more conversations over the past month or so than I have in the past. it helps that when the internet went down I ended up going to starbucks for a few days in a row.

I had a lot of project ideas but not a lot of finished products, especially compared to my graphic design output in 2021, though that was mostly just me pushing myself too hard, trying to look cool so I'm not sure if that counts. it's weird not plopping something out in illustrator, and my creative side is the most restless that it's ever been, but I'm managing. if I keep chipping away at this game project that I'm working on then I'll probably be able to show it off soon! I've also been improving in the music department, which is something that I never thought that I would do until I installed LMMS on a whim back in 2020.

my lack of college education still kind of hovers over my head. the pandemic really killed my momentum and I haven't been able to get that back because I've had to take on a bunch of other responsibilities since then and I hate it. maybe if I break this procrastination cycle then I can finally actually start taking classes again. it's kind of hard to do with a job though so who knows?

I guess that's everything I can think of. here's to 2023, which will hopefully have some really high highs and not the kind of lows that your brain keeps sticking on


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