hi there! i'm a 19 year old furry artist who finds joy in designing characters as well as drawing pinups that convey my mood at the time surrounding certain events, topics, etc.
as a member of the queer and furry communities, i have spent a lot of my time online facing identity in many different forms, witnessing people express their truest selves through fantasy and bringing it into reality with seemingly effortless grace, which is a beauty to witness, though a part of me always feels as if i'm missing out.
i am someone who has struggled for a long time trying to figure myself out, going through countless aliases online, a lengthy list of different fursona designs, and a pile of labels that could rival everest in might. this might be a shock to hear since i'm so young and have so much ahead of me to discover about myself, and i have so much time to grow into myself, but its been extremely damaging and tiring to try to navigate who i really am while always ending up at dead ends, having to change course and salvage the scraps of what i left behind.
my fursona is something much more than just a character i draw from time to time and use to represent myself, its a deeply personal extension of who i am as a person, something that i can use to achieve all of the yearning i have thats unreachable in our world. my fursona is a way for me to speak in ways i feel words can't express, so throwing so many around due to whims and constantly cycling through new designs has been somewhat damaging on me. it makes me feel inconsistent and broken.
recently i was going through the worst episode of my recurring issues with identity i've had in a long while, completely losing myself and feeling like i had been wearing a costume of who i thought i was. it felt hopeless, like i was never going to find myself out of it and that i just had to deal with being nobody. while i still am feeling remainders of this confusion, bitterness, and in a sense not entirely recognizing myself, i have found something to ground myself in.
while talking to one of my good friends online about some character decisions for a project he's working on, and after getting help from the person in real life who i see a ton of myself in, something clicked in my head. i've found who i am and what i want to pursue becoming. i want to embrace my love of genderfuckery and get even chubbier, grow my body hair out more, wear more makeup, get more feminine clothing, and become the fashionable, flirty, cute fembear i've always idolized!
this is just a journal to update anyone on my current situation and to serve as a milestone in my journey of self discovery, i needed to write this all out to really soak it in and feel the progress i've made mentally. thank you for taking the time to read my ramblings!
