- i'm plural i think
- we're entities, we're not persons, we're not individuals
- we're not parts, although we are inextricable and interdependent, so we also don't feel like alters
- identity? personhood? nope
- we like shouting at each other
- theres no host
- something else moves the body but they dont talk. and once that switched out to another entity but we never talked to that one either
- sometimes an entity holds the "I"
- when we're frolicking, when we laugh or talk to ourselves, it looks like the body is talking and laughing and moving. but it doesn't feel like we're controlling it.
- [other] this morning we were arguing and i shouted NO!! and my mouth whispered too. it didnt feel like fronting, it just feels like the body is clothing, moving with me
- no names for any of us!! because we're not persons!!
- [other] at least for now. because last time we tried to name ourselves and make headspace or whatever we burnt out from the effort of being People. we'd rather just shout at each other
- i'm trying to make steps towards clearer open communication but it also makes us/them meaner. so thats one of the problems
- we use antar to chat to each other (we just get numbers 1-2-3+) but yeah mean things came out so we kinda slowed down on that
- dont know what escott/[real life name] means to me. we've only called someone [real life name] like 2x in our entire life (including pre-trans!)
other factors
- the maladaptive daydreaming.
- insert long questioning here of how the daydreaming fits into all of this because i don't feel like i'm the one controlling them most of the time
- also the way the body acts out daydreams is similar to the way the body acts out us talking
- i have never felt like a real person. earliest memory of doubting my real person-ness is at 3 y/o.
- i told someone else that there was a camera behind my eyes
- today i had a really bad bout of this (crowded and noisy mall) i found it difficult to walk and coordinate myself so i dont bump into objects/people. a lady had to manhandle me out of her way.
- i have trouble just talking to people in general. i either talk weird impulsively or i have to script before i speak. or i have to start my sentence. pause to make it more polite. restart the sentence. pause to make it more polite. and only then finish the sentence.
- youve seen my posts you know im not articulate.
- just remembering words is difficult in recent years
- i've always been a voice in my head. earliest memory of that is at 6 y/o. i don't remember ever splitting or getting a new entity, i've always been like this
- [other] but there was One Time though where i imagined my para sitting across me and talking me out of harmful thoughts.
- this year, on top of the not-person struggle i've also started struggling with staying connected to reality
- it feels like the rooms and halls and their angles are being re-rendered around me as i move, it feels like theyre moving towards me
- sometimes the audio feels out of sync, voices don't line up with the moving lips, sounds seem like foley
- trans-related dysphoria
- lack of trauma
- childhood really wasnt that bad except for one big bad thing that i did (it didnt happen to me. i did it)
comment to validate or invalidate me or give feedback :3
