I've decided to retire the Palliative Stream.
Eskay's Palliative for Extraordinary Nervousness and Insomnia Stream originally aired on 04 August 2020, and since then, I've spent two-and-a-half years streaming on a regular schedule, less a few planned vacations.
When I started, the purpose of the Palliative Stream was clear, written for anyone to read in the description of every single entry in the series: I just needed something to do.
I had been laid off from my retail job since my employers lied about the conditions in which we'd be returning to work, and after staying at home for months on end, my usual baseline levels of depression had made getting through each day a miserable chore. I wasn't in immediate danger of losing my home, but I was listless. I was anxious, I couldn't sleep, and there wasn't anything motivating me to get out of bed when all the day had in store for me was the four walls of my own apartment.
That was the original reason I began to stream, at first only twice a week: just to force myself to get out of bed and face the day. It didn't matter so much what I was streaming so much as the fact that I was doing it on a regular schedule.
The name of the stream--while also being an objectively hilarious joke that laid in plain sight for several years before anyone noticed it--came from that precise feeling: I just needed something to help manage my overall mood, and streaming regularly helped with that. If I was able to help share that feeling of community with some folks along the way, well, that was all the better.
And that vibe contributed to how I managed that stream over the years. I never bothered creating custom thumbnails because, to me, it didn't really matter what I was streaming--only that I was doing it. That ethos was also reflected in my choice of games, which would change at random and frequently be picked without any prior thought. I would sometimes make room to play games that I wanted to as they released, but more often than not, I simply streamed whatever I could find in my Switch or Steam libraries just to put something out.
While that was nice, and I did manage to develop a small following (who I am immensely thankful for), that general gameplan for the stream really stunted the stream's growth. It was never designed to attract new viewers to the channel--it was just something for folks to put on in the background as they went about their days.
But as time went on, I became more frustrated with that dynamic. Not because it wasn't fun to stream, but because of the way I had subconsciously placed myself as the product of the stream.
By de-emphasizing the games I was actually playing and emphasizing the vibe they created, I had unwittingly made it so that my own performance was what drove the stream. And for someone whose mood is frequently subject to the unknowable whims of major depression, that wasn't a recipe for success.
The reality I learned is this: I can't force myself to face people on a regular schedule, however many times a week, and expect my own mood and performance to carry the stream. I'm not a Content Creator in the same way as big-name streamers, those who can draw an audience no matter what they're doing simply because they have the personalities to do so. I am a tired, mentally ill, and frequently aggravated thirty-something who just wants to play some video games and chill every once in a while, not try to draw in a crowd of people expecting a certain persona--even if that persona is relaxed and laid-back.
It also helps somewhat that I have more things getting me up in the day than I did a few years ago--the small ritual of preparing a moderately elaborate breakfast every morning has done wonders for my mood--and setting writing goals for myself has kept my mind productive and engaged instead of despairing. Even if I'm still isolating the vast majority of the time due to COVID (my parents just got it week ago), things have changed in my life that have made it so that streaming on a set schedule for its own sake is no longer necessary for me to make it through the day.
In short: the Palliative Stream isn't accomplishing what I need it to anymore, and therefore it will be retired.
However.
That doesn't mean that I wish to stop streaming. Streaming is still fun, and when I'm feeling that I'm bringing good energy into the world, it's a remarkably positive experience. I still enjoy the idea of creating a space where people can vibe and feel at ease, even if I'm not comfortable positioning myself and the ability to create that space as the main draw.
What I recognized is that I was doing my best streaming when I was engaged with the game I wanted to play--when I had a good idea of what I wanted to do and how I was going to work to get there. Whether it was teaching myself to play Touhou, methodically checking rooms in Hollow Knight, or simply playing a new game I was excited about front-to-back, I did my best streaming when I had a gameplan, not just the onus to perform.
So: I will continue to stream on our channel, and it will continue to happen with some regularity. The only difference is that it will no longer be under the banner of "Eskay's Palliative for Extraordinary Nervousness and Insomnia Stream."
Future streams will have a title that de-emphasizes my own name and persona, perhaps "Some Queer Streams X" or something similar, and will focus solely around games I want to play, when I want to play them. I won't force myself to stream any particular day if I don't have a goal in mind, but I will also be looking more intentionally toward the kinds of games I want to stream on 8PR, and creating plans for how I will accomplish those goals via streaming.
Hopefully, very little should change within the streams themselves--they should still have a similar vibe and mood. It's still me streaming after all. But the mental change in how I wish to perform and be perceived should also help make me more consistent when I'm behind the microphone, and hopefully, that will result in a better time for everyone involved.
Short term: I plan to get back to streaming next week, starting by playing through Three Houses on maddening difficulty. Engage was fun, but the one-dimensional characters and lack of a compelling story really made me want to return to the prior title. I've never beaten it on the highest difficulty before (w/o using NG+, anyway), so I intentionally want to challenge my knowledge of this game and see if I can still come out on top.
Hopefully, this will be the start of a better streaming experience for both myself and the small handful of dedicated viewers I've had over the years. I appreciate you coming out week after week, and I want to be performing on a level that I feel deserves that kind of dedication.
Thanks for reading, and I'll see y'all next week.
--eskay
