So I realize now that for the last two-three weeks that my depression has been worse than I thought of late. Now I, like all neurotypical people which I definitely am, track my time day by day. This habit started as a way to make myself be productive, and is now being used to make sure I'm taking time off work and taking breaks. And I've noticed a pattern when it comes to my depression, which has lead to the development of the Sylvia's Precognitive Identification of Tiring Endeavors - the SPITE Index. This is how I tell depression is building up again and, ideally, how to counteract it.
- Stage 1: Writing is a chore. This is the first thing to go every time, which is frustrating because that's my job, but I need to treat it as a warning sign and not an annoyance.
- Stage 2: I start watching youtube videos about video games that I've seen before as my primary means of entertainment. If I'm slack jawed on the couch watching 5 year old Stephanie Sterling videos, things are getting bad.
- Stage 3:1 I stop cooking and eat everything microwaved or from fast food. There's nothing wrong with doing that, but for me cooking is a creative outlet so I only am opposed to cooking when I'm low on spoons.
- Stage 4: My insomnia and agoraphobia flare up hard. If I'm not sleeping and not going outside, we've nearly hit the worst of it.
- Stage 5: (where I got yesterday) I rot in bed most of the day.
I've also noticed that I come out of depressive episodes in a similar pattern, climbing back up that ladder.
And I cooked today. And I want to play games, not watch videos. And I think I'll write later on today.
I'm getting better.
Also though, this is going to be very important for me to keep in mind going forward. If I can catch my depression in Stage 2 and start deploying countermeasures there, I'm hoping that means I can just avoid hitting stage 3-5 and just...manage it better.
Fingers crossed!
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Which, unlike the last time I had something in stage 3, sadly does not involved healthcare removing my remaining testicle.2
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Sorry