One thing that’s started happening in the past couple of months is what I’m calling an undepressive episode and there has to be a better word for this.
Basically it starts like a depressive episode in that it comes out of nowhere and kind of washes over me, but it’s not depression. It’s the opposite. Not mania either; I’ve been manic before, and this doesn’t have the random energy or feelings I’ve being powerful that came with mania. It’s an endorphin rush, but a calming one. It’s powerful emotions, but they’re all positive. Sometimes I’ll tear up, but it’s from feeling happy. Half the time I just feel small and safe and warm and comfortable enough to nap.
Is this from HRT? Is this just a side effect of being in a healthy relationship finally? Is it something else?
I don’t know what it is, but it feels like healing.
Seriously I was on a call with my partner and started sobbing for a bit just from the realization. Like…that’s it. I’m just happy. And the feeling was so alien to me I didn’t recognize it. I’ve been excited and content and relieved and relaxed and having fun but it’s been so fucking long since I’ve just been happy that I went “wtf is this weird backwards depression?”
And I’m not gonna focus on how fucked that is. I’m just gonna focus on how wonderful it is to, at the age 36, finally relearn what it means to be happy.