you know how all of the joker's evil schemes are like grim and edgy highly elaborate setups designed to make batman really sad and make him question his morals so that at the end of every joker scheme he gets to go "ha Ha, but I am the REAL winner batman" and the joker basically never loses. it's really frustrating. part of why i stopped reading comics is because they won't fucking stop with the joker, and every story with the joker is basically the same except they do a twist like "there's three jokers this time."
so ok heres my pitch below the read more.
the story starts with the joker stealing some chemicals but then a random shmuck on the sidewalk sees the joker and tackles him on sight because it's the joker. nothing too violent or particularly satisfying to the joker where he can like "ha ha look what i've done to the people of your city BATMAN!!!!" this guy just completely regularly stops the joker while he's in the middle of stealing a chemical truck and then he gets captured really easy.
so the joker gets thrown in arkham asylum, like always, and batman starts looking into all of it, and the joker was going to steal those chemicals because they have a unique reaction with diamonds. meanwhile the joker had guys strongarming a jewelry shop that in recent months has been frequented by joe chill, the guy who killed batman's parents. it turns out joe chill wants to propose to his new boyfriend and the joker's plan was to leave an elaborate string of clues where batman is going to figure out that joe chill's wedding ring would have killed his boyfriend the instant he put it on, so batman would either have to be homophobic or help the guy who killed his parents, and it'd be a big "HA HA LOOK WHAT I MADE YOU DO" moment for the joker.
and like do you know how long it takes to figure out what kind of chemicals fuck with diamonds? do you know how long it takes to figure out where a big truck full of diamond-hating chemicals is going to be, and when it'll be vulnerable? and it's all gotta line up with when the joker has escaped? the joker is never going to get this chance again. this particular scheme is ruined. joe chill's bf is getting the fuck out of gotham after this one and batman doesn't have to do a moral quandary.
so joker hates the guy who tackled him on the street. we'll call this guy "chet rippo" or something. chet is not stupid, he has lived in gotham for a long time. he knows that the joker will want retribution. he's kind of nervous about this, but he's run the options and like... if he goes into witness protection, the joker is going to conveniently arrange it so the truck that takes him to his new life is going to, instead, have evil clown minions who drive him to a joker lair. like basically anything you do to avoid the joker is specifically going to make it easy for the joker to do something really theatrical to you. this isn't even "meta", our boy chet just watches the damn news. everyone knows the joker works like this. chet decides that he's better off just living life as it is and worrying about the joker when he has to.
so the joker is even madder about this. he's fuming in his little arkham cell. he's waiting for chet to make an impulsive, fear-driven decision that he can intercept for revenge. chet works from home so he doesn't really need to leave much and when he does it isn't on a predictable schedule. there's no good time to set up some goons to grab chet. chet's life also doesn't have anything funny going on in it. chet is aromantic and asexual, he just isn't into relationships, so there's no one to capture and put into some kind of ironic peril that would deeply upset chet. the joker has fucking nothing on this guy.
the joker gets out of arkham after a completely unrelated prison break. bane gets some guys to help him get out and the joker simply leaves and it's like, fuck the batman shit this time. i gotta get chet rippo. he's running down the streets of gotham like, fuck, i gotta get to work on a plan. chet rippo has to go. but suddenly someone just yells "OH FUCK IT'S THE JOKER" and tackles him. chet rippo has once again pinned the joker and keeps him restrained until the authorities can take him back to arkham asylum.
bonus points if chet rippo becomes a new popular DC comics character and you have him show up in various other joker stories, where suddenly chet rippo shows up and ruins the joker's situation. the joker can kill people all the time but he NEVER gets one over on chet rippo. there's just this one DC comics hero whose lone superpower is simply "complete immunity to the joker". the joker CANNOT ruin this guy's life or set him up for any pyrrhic victories. chet rippo is a fairy type here to balance out the joker's dragon moves.
I don't think anyone is going to read this I just really want to say I have ideas for rebalancing the joker
EDIT: and just to say it, yes i know this is pretty much like classic batman the animated series "joker's favor" which i think is one of the best joker stories out there for being one of maybe two where the joker actually, thoroughly loses. (the other being "joker's millions") but i really want the modern take on the joker to have to deal with that sort of shit, basically.
