very late night vent
likely doesn't help having the emotional whiplash of barbie movie followed by finishing season 2 of vinland saga, but man I'm going through it right now. next week's company-wide vacation week can't come soon enough
so I've been having aches for both my body and stomach pretty regularly the last few days, definitely the worst today to where I called out of work and just lounged on my couch spending money on bullshit while talking with friends for several hours. idk if this is normal first week hrt stuff but damn it sucks
for a while now my roommates claire and eve can't trust each other and each just confides in me personally, because claire has severe paranoia stemming from an inferiority complex and eve hates herself so much that it manifests as passive condescension and emotional outbursts, so the former thinks the latter specifically hates her and the vice-versa of that is eve's self-hatred fed by claire's paranoia
claire really spins out of control on this and gets into "everyone conspiring against me" territory while eve can make you feel like a jerk for nothing. I care about both of them a lot and want to keep this household civil with each other, so now we're gonna have a house talk tomorrow night. I hate having to be a constant mediator but this can't be left alone
I have weekly japanese tutoring along with study sessions, and while I'm making some slow progress on that, it still feels like stumbling through the dark. I sent my notes to the teacher for review tonight and I made a huge grammar mistake on half my answers. it feels embarrassing to struggle so hard with this
there is still fuck-nothing productive going on at work. can't get into that mess, but it's 10% aimless meetings, 15% busy-work tasks, and 75% sitting around feeling guilty about how little I do. it brings me little sense of accomplishment
and tonight I broke my streak of going to bed at a good time and reading a book instead of using my phone because I'm so stressed out about all of this. I really wish I had a partner who I could go to for emotional and mental support, who could tell me I'm doing a good job and to stay strong through all of this. I worry that if I keep having breakdowns like I often do these days, then my friends won't feel like they have someone confident to rely on for support
somebody please pat my head and tell me I'm a good girl