evie

we are still hopelessly muddled compared to a lot of other systems we know; it's been taking us years to figure out how to sort through our multitudes of intrusive thoughts. it's not easy when you're constantly functioning through a haze of dissociation, either—if you'd like to make a start at trying to sort through the noise, I'd recommend setting aside a long patch of quiet time to try to ground yourself as well as possible, asking yourself constantly "am I dissociated? is there something I've dissociated from? is someone in my system in pain right now?" (for dissociation is an escape from pain.) if you're "front-stuck" all the time, like I've been, it's probably because you're the only headmate who's capable of functioning at all even when you're highly dissociated, so you're practically forced to deal with everything. ~Chara

also looking for advice for this. i dissociate a lot, and afaik am the dedicated functional part and its kinda not going great for me in general. i don't really have gaps in my memory, but i also never really look back, and if any gaps showed up after an amount of time i’d have no way of noticing. outside of that i get a lot of what’s going on with you idk

mapping one's system is a skill like any other; you have to just keep at it and over time you get better at it and learn what telltale signs to look for

in my case, i'm still sort of at a point where i only realize a bit after the fact when one system member is fronting. i actually don't bother with indicators for who is fronting yet because i don't think i have that sort of high fidelity resolution around it and also because it's not always a clear person fronting (sometimes it's a blend of system members)

for example, one of my system members is obsessed with time, and one of the telltale signs i look for is that they incorporate turns of phrase and figures of speech related to time when they're talking, but it took a long time for me to pick up on that pattern. for example, instead of saying "i'm really enjoying this" they'll say something like "i wish this moment would never end"

usually i make the most progress mapping my system when one member fronts REALLY hard because then i get a really clean/pure signal for what that system member is like as a person and then i can start picking up on the same patterns of behavior when they shows up in subtler ways

yeah, the "confused, stressed, partially in denial host" phase is par for the course. we've been generally aware (just didn't have language for it) for ~13 years at this point, but only in the past 3-4 years have been able to lower dissociative barriers enough to communicate effectively and figure our shit out.

my most important piece of advice is that you do not need to perform your plurality in a specific way. we used to do the whole pluralkit + tracking switches + so on and so forth, and honestly it's exhausting for us. part of this is because dissociation tends to ebb and flow, and even when you have shit mapped out, you don't always know who you are, and that's okay. identity confusion can be annoying and stressful, and when you're in a mode where you're constantly presenting as an identity it can exacerbate it.

additionally, it's rare for gatekeepers to be able to manage who's fronting all the time. during periods of low dissociation, sure, but as i said it ebbs and flows and getting trigger-switched then front-stuck is far more often than willfully fronting, in our experience.

as for wanting to start exploring your system and figure out your shit, meditation is the hardest and most important thing - whatever that looks like for you. it's important that it is something that feels safe. for us, that's sitting in the shower (much to my water bill's chagrin), sometimes with the lights off. it's enough stimulation to ward off the adhd, but enough stillness to be introspective. and the shower is just always a place where we've felt safe.

take your time, be patient with yourselves, there's no timeline on figuring anything out.

WARNING, SYSCOURSE ADJACENT TAKE INCOMING: something to recognize as well is not everyone you see talking about plurality is a dissociative and/or traumagenic system. i wont get into it more than this, but it's important to understand when interacting w other systems in that you may not share much experiences other than "yeah we got more than one thing in there" - which, again, goes back to my first point. you know your own shit better than anyone else

We've been thinking about this post, I suppose mapping or just putting a name to those stray thoughts Julia heard once and was sure it wasn't her was what put me on the map (Ashley), I think what solidified her feeling plural was just talking with another part of herself, or me, and having a familiar face, a fursona she used and related to for many years was a perfect fit for a guardian headmate to reassure her, front when she's feeling overwhelmed, etc. I know communication isn't easy for every system but that's how our little wolf collective formed, the latest two were literally us agreeing to "invite them in" and we started chatting and they became real too and no longer OCs.

I wish I could help more than just sharing experiences and I hope you'll figure it out! I'm pretty sure you were a part of what inspired Julia to keep exploring this and we're in a much better place now because of that, thank you.