Having a big "we could have been priestesses" kind of day. Where "we" are disabled, traumatized, neurodivergent, genderweird girlthings.
Sometimes, I think back to how deeply I attempted to do catholicism for my first 20ish years of life. As I got older and learned more about the world and myself, I found catholicism deeply empty. It didn't matter how I felt about my faith. The de facto reality of US midwest catholicism (where I grew up) was vague anti-queerness and anti-neurodivergence plus a milquetoast love of the status quo. These moments- from learning my queerness, transitioning silently, and leaving the midwest- felt like my disenfranchisement with consensus reality. It felt like a raw severing of myself from my family, my spiritual history, my old 'friends', and parts of my culture attached to those things.
While I've recovered a lot from those vulnerable times, I still hold onto a lot of emptiness. There's voids of culture and history and spirituality. Certain kinds of art and art spaces, in between horror, queerness, and sentimentality, feed some of those missing spaces.
And I wish it was easier to engage in healing in a community focused way. I wish neurodivergent girlthings could more easily care for our own- the less high-functioning. A world that respected the agency of even some of us seems nearly idyllic. I wish there was a place for us- to hold non-standard beliefs, to care for each other- even if its imperfectly, to get support from others so all the burdens of care do not fall on other broken people. Modern late capitalism and other modern sentimentalities are just so hostile to this.
We could have been priestesses.