So I’ve talked about my fears about “not being able to internalize” positive feelings from others, how I find myself brushing them off as easily as hate, and worrying that was something “wrong” with me. Well, I had a bit of a breakthrough in therapy today, and my initial fear- that this was autism making me incapable of being close to people, was misplaced- it wasn’t that I can’t internalize these things, but that I didn’t realize how important trust was to me.
At work, my boss is often complimentary and tells me how much she appreciates what I do, that I’m around. And when she does, I feel a genuine joy- but we’ve been through the wringer together, we’ve seen the worst and the best together, I know her and trust her words, and I can internalize them. Most of the positivity I’ve struggled with has been from new friends and new groups, and while I want to trust immediately, I cannot subconsciously.
And thus, there’s the disconnect. My conscious mind desires to trust and internalize, but my subconscious needs the benefit of time and trust to begin to accept that the sentiments, the authenticity of people’s words are there. When they are, I love and trust as deeply as anyone- I just have to allow my coping and defense mechanisms time to disarm.
I hope this helps folks who struggle with the same things- you’re not broken, you just take time to get there 💖
