So… I’m certain I’ve mentioned that I’m ace- sex-repulsed at that. Hell, among my friends, that’s probably on someone’s bingo card. But I was thinking today, as I do when I’m at work, about what that means in relation to my gender presentation. With no focus on sexual characteristics, no desire to possess them, why do I lean one way or another?
And I think it really does come down to simple… aesthetics.
I like looking femme in my preferred presentation, as much as I like being a fox. I like the shape, the vibe it gives me, the energy I have- I feel like it fits me, better than a masculine shape ever has. But… I’ll be honest, that’s kinda… as deep as I think about it? It’s like… I’m something inhuman and fey picking a shape, looking at the connotations and the associations that given shape has, and simply going “no, I think I’ll not honor those, actually, this is mine because I like it.”
That’s why I waffle on identifiers, I think. I’m most certainly transgender, that’s no doubt, but the notion of following the “assigned path”, hormones and treatments and changing how I dress and how I speak and how I act, I don’t. Want that. So calling myself a “trans woman”, bringing all those connotations with it, it feels… wrong? I’m not on that path, I’m not sharing that experience- I’m finding my own road, and it is far stranger than I could have ever guessed.
I dunno. “Nonbinary” has always been the best shorthand for me, but I’ve never been able to shake the feeling that people look at that, then my very feminine preferred form, and get this… notion that I’m just missing a step or two, that I haven’t “figured things out yet”
But… I have. My joy is in being something not even human, a fey… beast wearing the trappings of humanity as I please, taking and shedding as it brings me joy. I’m the fox in every fairytale, the thing that wears your face and laughs at your convention.
I like that Fey. They’re free. I want to be free.
