12: Lieutenant Marion "Cobra" Cobretti
Profile:
Lt. Cobretti, a member of the LAPD's "Zombie Squad", once destroyed a social-darwinist cult in between bouts of sexual harassment and casual hate crime. He's a loose cannon that plays by his own rules, preferring intimidation and violence to procedure and diplomacy. As an aside, he eats pizza with scissors.
Armaments and fighting style:
Lt. Cobretti primarily uses small arms focusing on handling and magazine capacity - a 9mm conversion of the Colt Gold Cup National Match and a 9mm Jatimatic SMG, along with Mk. 2 grenades for Big Problems. This loadout is most effective when fighting in urban environments against a numerically-superior foe. Though physically strong, Cobretti's strengths do not lie in CQC, relying on street brawling and basic grapples to win a fight.
Matchup:
Cobretti has quite the body count, but only against the kind of gang that might make the bones of a particularly dark Yakuza side story. His armaments are limited to the kind of guns that are fired at Kiryu on his way to brunch, and his fighting style would see him dead on the streets of Kamurochō before even meeting the Dragon of Dojima. But more importantly, Cobretti is the kind of guy Kiryu would relish punching. He's an arrogant, violent cop that values personal vengeance more than duty or honor, and that kind of behavior gets you a bespoke ass-kicking.
Advantage: Kazuma Kiryu, 10-0
11: Detective John McClane, Sr.
Profile:
Detective McClane made his name destroying a dozen-strong terrorist cell during their assault on Nakatomi Tower. McClane would personally kill ten of the attackers - including their leader, Hans Gruber - in a desperate bid for survival. As a point of trivia, Gruber claimed membership in the West German movement Volksfrei even though the group disavowed him long before the attack.
Armaments and fighting style:
McClane uses a police-issue Beretta 92F, though he eventually commandeers a Heckler & Koch MP5 (actually a chopped HK94A3 converted to look like an MP5, but why split hairs?) to more efficiently Dispense Justice. In close-quarters, McClane's fighting style might be described as "scrappy" - he prefers grappling to strikes, often using his whole body to attempt to control his enemy's movement.
Matchup:
McClane has nerves of steel and a steady hand, but against harder targets he's outmatched, and up close he's a brawling amateur. Trying to stop Kiryu even at ideal engagement range with an MP5, McClane has only a few seconds to act before the Dragon gives him to God. His only advantage over Cobretti is that Kiryu might feel a little guilt breaking the ribs of a family man.
Advantage: Kazuma Kiryu, 10-0
10: L Lawliet
Profile:
L Lawliet is a private investigator from "Wammy's House", a delicate blend of Charles Xavier's School for Gifted Children and Japanese confusion as to what British philanthropy looks like. He has a lengthy list of successful cases even at the age of 25, and is most recognized for his work on the "Kira Case", during which he pursued a murderer with seemingly supernatural killing powers.
Armaments and fighting style:
In combat, Lawliet prefers CQC to gunplay. In a brief scuffle with a high school student, Lawliet attempted to use a kind of capoeira usually reserved for suburban children that watched Only The Strong. No other martial skills are apparent.
Matchup:
Lawliet's primary strengths are in investigation and deduction. If the goal was to determine the identity or location of Kazuma Kiryu, it wouldn't even rate as a chore for the sweet-toothed sleuth - but the challenge is detaining the suspect, not merely finding him. In that, Lawliet is comically overmatched by the Dragon of Dojima, only momentarily delayed if he can get under his skin with diplomacy before Kiryu can throw him into low-Earth orbit.
Advantage: Kazuma Kiryu, 10-0
9: Detective Martin Riggs & Sergeant Roger Murtaugh
Profile:
Detective Riggs and Sergeant Murtaugh are military men that joined the LAPD after their respective tours. Riggs was a Green Beret, while Murtaugh was a lieutenant in the 173rd Airborne. Riggs would be partnered with Murtaugh after the death of his wife and subsequent transfer to Homicide, his superiors hoping that the level-headed Murtaugh would tamp down his eccentricities. In the following days, the pair would overcome their personal differences to bring down the "Shadow Company" - a paramilitary outfit gone rogue - and achieve both fame and personal growth.
Armaments and fighting style:
Detective Riggs is armed with a Beretta 92F for everyday carry, while Sergeant Murtaugh prefers a Smith & Wesson Model 19. In extremis, Riggs can deploy with an H&K PSG-1 drawing on his Green Beret training. Both Riggs & Murtaugh possess military training, though neither display much finesse in CQC, preferring instead the same brawling posture as their fellows further up the list.
Matchup:
Neither Riggs nor Murtaugh are bringing anything special to this attempted arrest, and neither of them are interested in diplomacy. They're bringing this punk in for questioning and will not brook challenges. Kiryu, for his part, has been fired at by guns like this nearly every day for ten years, and has absolutely no problem grabbing a gunman's weapon and killing him with it. Their position on the list is chiefly due to the fact that there are two assailants in this scenario, doubling the amount of time it would take for Kiryu to bury his attackers.
Advantage: Kazuma Kiryu, 10-0
8: Judge Joseph Dredd
Profile:
Judge Dredd patrols Mega City One as a member of the Justice Department, the last remaining polity in the former United States of America. Acting as judge, jury, and executor of sentencing, Dredd meets the challenges of bringing law to the lawless with an impassive scowl. In a field where the one in five die on their first day, Dredd survives over eighty years of armed patrol, including the Apocalypse War that halved Mega City One's population.
Armaments and fighting style:
Judge Dredd's signature arm is the "Lawgiver", a post-apocalyptic evolution of the Glock 17. The weapon is locked to Dredd's DNA signature and fires a variety of munitions ranging from 9mm slugs to miniaturized grenades, ensuring Dredd is never outgunned in an urban environment. In CQC, Dredd's 15-year training program gives him the martial skill and physical strength to put the jackboot to multiple assailants.
Matchup:
Kazuma Kiryu might find some common ground with Dredd - both are violent thugs with iron discipline and even stricter moral codes, routinely attacked by groups of hooligans for little reason other than the thrill of the hunt. Dredd will find no reason to talk, of course - Kiryu is just another punk destined for the Iso-Cubes. But despite Dredd's skill and determination, he is still just a man who fights other desperate men. Kazuma Kiryu has fought construction equipment with his fists and won. He beat the teeth out of Jo Amon, a man who trained for 17 years to master martial arts, at the beginning of his career. Dredd's martial tenure ultimately means very little before the absurdity of Kiryu's everyday life.
Advantage - Kazuma Kiryu, 9-1
7: Nero Wolfe
Profile:
Nero Wolfe is a veteran of the first World War's Serbian campaign, moving to America in 1930 after a stint in the American Expeditionary Forces to open a private detective agency. Along with his right hand, Archie Goodwin, Wolfe has successfully persecuted dozens of baffling cases across interbellum New York and beyond, specializing in homicide. It's notable that Nero Wolfe never actually leaves his brownstone on business - it would actually be Archie Goodwin doing most of the confronting.
Armaments and fighting style:
Archie Goodwin doesn't usually carry a gun, but does bring along a revolver if he expects trouble. Goodwin is no slouch in close quarters either, routinely subduing unruly suspects with a mix of heavy hooks and submission holds. Wolfe, on the other hand, is an aesthete that disdains strenuous physical activity - he depends entirely on Goodwin to defend his person.
Matchup:
Archie Goodwin is the first on the list to even try a charm offensive against Kiryu, which has traditionally worked much better than direct attack. If asking politely doesn't work, Goodwin's Plan B for detainment is fisticuffs, which will end catastrophically for Wolfe's legman. Goodwin has bested at most three unfit bourgeois men fighting on home turf - Kiryu flattens dozens of men on his way to the batting cages. If Kiryu doesn't feel like talking to Goodwin, Wolfe's valet can do precious little about it.
Advantage - Kazuma Kiryu, 9-1
6: Hercule Poirot
Profile:
Little about Hercule Poirot's early life is known - he was active in the Belgian police force in the 1890s, but fled the Germans in advance of the First World War. Finding London to his liking, he began a career as a private detective that would last for decades. He specialized in homicide, but also tackled grand larceny and the odd con-job.
Armaments and fighting style:
Hercule Poirot is neither a brawler nor a gunman. He would flee the Germans rather than enlist, and though Captain Hastings has membership in the Most Excellent Order of the British Empire, we have never seen him fire a weapon in anger.
Matchup:
Hercule Poirot is absolutely a side-story figure. A polite-but-persnickety Belgian speaking impeccable Japanese would throw even Kiryu for a loop. It's entirely possible that his manners and poise might get something out of him, but the instant Kiryu decides that the conversation is over, there is less than nothing that Poirot can do. Unlike most other entries on this list, Poirot at least has the wisdom to know that swinging on a man that cracks occipital bones for fun is not the work of a gentleman.
Advantage - Kazuma Kiryu, 8-2
5: Officer Jenny
Profile:
The Kanto Public Services Clade contains two notable species: Nurse Joy and Officer Jenny. This second species has been developed to protect humans with weak or otherwise substandard Pokemon from criminals, natural disasters, and hostile wildlife. Officers Jenny have been acclimated to almost every civilized region with Pokemon in them, including Kanto, Johto, and Unova. Their Pokemon are selected for their utility in public safety first, with their abilities in battle coming second.
Armaments and fighting style:
Officers Jenny rarely choose to fight themselves, being physically frail compared to their Pokemon. Their team composition depends on their region, but they tend to focus on pursuit, non-lethal takedowns, and utility in emergencies. Despite their role in maintaining a state monopoly on violence, Officers Jenny rarely if ever carry weapons and do not engage in fisticuffs.
Matchup:
Officer Jenny's gameplan against a single felon is to summon a large dog and have it maul the target into submission. Kazuma Kiryu's gameplan against large dogs is to swiftly advance into punting range and kick the offending animal into space. Kiryu has fought multiple tigers with his bare hands - Growlithe does not rate as a challenge. Her only chance is to select a pokemon that Kiryu cannot immediately maim - a Wobbuffet or a Ghastly might confound him, and Unova's Officer Jenny might find some success with Azumarill, as it can learn Fairy-type moves without the need for TMs.
Advantage: Kazuma Kiryu, 8-2
4: Lieutenant Columbo
Profile:
Lt. Columbo (first name unknown) joined the police force after his tour of duty in the Korean War as a member of the Kitchen Patrol, and has no ambitions to be anything other than a lieutenant in the Homicide wing of the LAPD. His trademark is flattery and feigned deference, encouraging suspects and witnesses to talk for no other reason than to impress a police lieutenant. There is a degree of mystery surrounding the lieutenant - no one on the force knows his first name, and when asked for it he insists on "Lieutenant". He appears from nowhere and vanishes when his work is complete. His wife, though thoroughly sketched out by the detective in his many stories about her, is never seen. Even his career before arriving at the LAPD is only known because of a story he told to a suspect. Because he habitually exaggerates or misrepresents himself to build rapport with whoever he speaks to, less is truly known about him than any other officer on this list. What is known is that Lieutenant Columbo has solved dozens of homicide cases across Los Angeles, specializing in exposing the crimes of the rich and powerful.
Armaments and fighting style:
Lieutenant Columbo, despite the inherent danger of his work, does not carry a firearm. He has a police revolver, but keeps it in his locker and has a colleague take his range exams to avoid disqualification from the force. He refuses to use physical force, preferring instead to let the target's social status and his personal leverage with the LAPD disarm a suspect indirectly. Despite his relative youth and more muscular build, Columbo is no more dangerous in a fight than Hercule Poirot.
Matchup:
There is no scenario where Columbo detains the Dragon of Dojima by force, but that wouldn't be the lieutenant's gameplan to begin with. It's far more likely that Columbo would buttonhole Kiryu on the street or in a restaurant, asking trivial questions and making pleasant conversation. Kiryu doesn't like to bother people, but does take an interest in their lives if they seem like good people - and that is Columbo's best chance at questioning Kiryu to his satisfaction. While the conversation will still end the moment Kiryu decides to stop talking to a homicide cop, Columbo is leagues more likely to get information out of him during a few minutes of conversation than the officers above.
Advantage: Kazuma Kiryu, 7-3
3: Officer Alex Murphy
Profile:
Following Officer Alex Murphy's mutilation at the hands of Clarence Boddicker, Omni Consumer Products salvaged Murphy's head and installed it into a bleeding-edge robotic chassis, equipped with heavy armor, a full sensor suite, and onboard networking. This new being, half-man and half-machine, was named "Robocop" and sent on a brutal campaign against the criminal element of Detroit. Within days, Robocop had killed 26 people - including a member of OCP's board of directors and the man who killed Alex Murphy.
Armaments and fighting style
Robocop's principal weapon is the Auto-9, a heavily customized Beretta 93R. While a 9mm automatic isn't terribly frightening by itself, Robocop's sensor suite and move-by-wire guidance system lets him land improbable shots with ease, most famously blowing the genitals off of a hostage taker with a single bullet. His suit does not allow him to maneuver quickly or fight with any particular grace, but his robust limb gyros allow him to throw hands with superhuman strength.
Matchup:
Robocop is a genuine challenge even for the Dragon of Dojima. His robust all-steel frame allows him to withstand direct attack, and his sensor suite ensures that if he takes a shot it will land where it matters. Still, OCP's finest won't be a complete surprise to Kiryu - steel combat robots make a number of appearances in the Yakuza series, and at the time of writing make their latest appearance in The Man Who Erased His Name as a threat in the Hell Team Rumble. Kiryu would have to evade or withstand fire from the Auto-9 as he advances, but if he can close to brawling range he'll only need a few strikes to send Robocop back to the mechanic.
Advantage: Kazuma Kiryu, 6-4
2: Miss Jane Marple
Profile:
A lady of independent means, Jane Marple is a shrewd cynic with an encyclopedic knowledge of the darkness in the human heart. Little is known about her life outside St. Mary Mead, other than that she was never married and has a very large family. Her chief methods of deduction involve drawing on her vast life experience, extrapolating motives and opportunities from similar events in her past. This wealth of knowledge combined with her keen scrutiny makes her extremely difficult to distract or dissuade.
Armaments and fighting style:
While Marple has some specialist knowledge in the operation and maintenance of firearms, she does not carry a gun herself - not even the pearl-handled pistols so fashionable among women in the 1930s! Despite her stern aspect, she is also completely harmless in CQC.
Matchup:
Marple presents a dire threat to Kiryu - a nosy old woman that won't leave well enough alone. He's already lost several arguments with Etsuko, another woman of years, to the point where she nearly wrecked an ongoing investigation with her dogged persistence. Marple, between her disarming nature and matchless deductive talent, presents an even greater challenge: an investigator that won't quit and that Kiryu won't - can't - punch.
Advantage: DRAW - 5-5
1. Sam & Max, Freelance Police
Profile:
Samuel and Maxwell (or Maximillien) met as children and became inseparable immediately, becoming freelance police seemingly on a whim shortly after junior-high school. Sam, an Irish Wolfhound, takes things in stride - meeting even mortal peril with a sort of sedate jocularity. Max, a lagomorphic beast of the id, takes extreme and violent interest in the world around him - primarily the parts that burn bright or break easily. The pair receive regular work from The Commissioner, an unseen government official that seems content to inform the pair that there's "bad trouble" at a given location and let them sort it at their own pace.
Armaments and fighting style:
Sam & Max love firearms almost as much as each other. Sam's "Big Kill" - a comically-oversized Magnum revolver - is chambered for rounds larger than .44, possibly .454 Casull or other big-game material. Max carries a Luger, and uses it with enthusiasm far in advance of his marksmanship. Both of them are extremely eager to fire on anything resembling a problem but are awful shots, routinely causing more collateral damage than effective fire. In CQC, Sam & Max are unpredictable and dangerous opponents - in addition to being a six-foot tall wolfhound, Sam can and will wield Max like a toothy, rabid bludgeon or projectile weapon if the situation calls for it, and when not being directly weaponized Max moves with extreme speed and violence, biting and scratching at whatever is causing problems.
Matchup:
If The Commissioner decides that the Dragon of Dojima is "Bad Trouble", Kiryu is doomed. Sam will launch Max directly at his chest, at which point the id-beast will burrow straight inside and eat his beating heart. Actually striking either of the pair will cause the other to drop any pretension of comic relief, only hastening Kiryu's demise.