so long, and thanks for all the fish

I accidentally tore a giant hole in my parents' air mattress and I felt really awful about it... immediately went to go tell them and they were like "damn that sucks. shit happens though; we're not upset with you" so that helped, but I still felt shitty about wrecking their nice air mattress as a guest in their home

then a couple minutes later, I noticed that one of my nails had broken during the process of trying to prevent the air mattress from being destroyed. and my brain's immediate response, instead of the usual Oh No Things Got Worse Meltdown Time, was "lmaooo can't catch a break today huh? oh well; hey, at least this is a problem that we CAN fix" and I started feeling better after that. good brains in the face of bad brain and overtaking it (: we love to see it (: (:

and my brain is trying very hard to go into ADHD "event upcoming; cancel all other processes" mode but you know what?? joke's on my brain because I still got up and did most of my morning routine despite all that :3 I think I'll brush my teeth, too

having stupid anxiety dreams about being chased through endless hallways by a weird evil being again! they're not even scary enough to set off my adrenaline or get me jolting awake in bed, I just gently come to consciousness feeling exhausted like I've been working out.

some part of me always realizes it's a dream in the moment (which I think is why it never activates my fight-or-flight instinct), but I haven't yet been able to take advantage of that cognizance and turn the dream into something else. that's okay though, I have individual talk therapy today and EMDR tomorrow-- and both of those guys love to hear about it when I'm having weird anxious dreams

we dove into this today, and it led to a breakthrough regarding my inner child and the fact that they're only just now finding the ability to voice their fears aloud. I can't even describe how relieving it is to feel that connection to myself again.

and every day, I still find enjoyment in each varied aspect of it:

filling the electric kettle with filtered water. pushing the button and hearing the fffwoosSSHHHH as the heating element kicks in and starts vaporizing the water molecules. shaking out the little pyramid teabag over the sink to remove any excess powder/tea bits before dropping it into a clean mug. watching the water darken in the mug as my tea brews. carefully removing the stiil-steaming spent bag from the mug, squeezing the excess tea out of it with my spoon. measuring out a careful amount of sugar; not too sweet and not too bland. watching the cold milk curl up in white tendrils from the depths of the mug as the hot tea warms it, right before I stir and bring the whole beverage to one solid shade of light tan. taking that first sip when it's cooled down slightly; feeling it warm me from the inside out. the way that my whole milk gives the drink a creaminess, and the right amount of sugar somehow enhancing that further and giving it a sort of velvety texture. sitting at the table and enjoying each sip as I get my brain in order and prepare to start my day.

the whole process only takes a few minutes before I get to sit and enjoy my tea. but I've gotten really good at turning it into an active meditative thing, and that really helps a lot with getting my brain into "focus mode" for the day ahead. I've never been much of a breakfast person, but I look forward to this little morning routine every time I get out of bed now.