so long, and thanks for all the fish

and every day, I still find enjoyment in each varied aspect of it:

filling the electric kettle with filtered water. pushing the button and hearing the fffwoosSSHHHH as the heating element kicks in and starts vaporizing the water molecules. shaking out the little pyramid teabag over the sink to remove any excess powder/tea bits before dropping it into a clean mug. watching the water darken in the mug as my tea brews. carefully removing the stiil-steaming spent bag from the mug, squeezing the excess tea out of it with my spoon. measuring out a careful amount of sugar; not too sweet and not too bland. watching the cold milk curl up in white tendrils from the depths of the mug as the hot tea warms it, right before I stir and bring the whole beverage to one solid shade of light tan. taking that first sip when it's cooled down slightly; feeling it warm me from the inside out. the way that my whole milk gives the drink a creaminess, and the right amount of sugar somehow enhancing that further and giving it a sort of velvety texture. sitting at the table and enjoying each sip as I get my brain in order and prepare to start my day.

the whole process only takes a few minutes before I get to sit and enjoy my tea. but I've gotten really good at turning it into an active meditative thing, and that really helps a lot with getting my brain into "focus mode" for the day ahead. I've never been much of a breakfast person, but I look forward to this little morning routine every time I get out of bed now.

having stupid anxiety dreams about being chased through endless hallways by a weird evil being again! they're not even scary enough to set off my adrenaline or get me jolting awake in bed, I just gently come to consciousness feeling exhausted like I've been working out.

some part of me always realizes it's a dream in the moment (which I think is why it never activates my fight-or-flight instinct), but I haven't yet been able to take advantage of that cognizance and turn the dream into something else. that's okay though, I have individual talk therapy today and EMDR tomorrow-- and both of those guys love to hear about it when I'm having weird anxious dreams

I've known for a couple weeks that my friends are hosting an outdoor picnic-potluck this afternoon, so last night I committed to getting up early today and making a dish for it. I made pasta salad (my first one ever and from my own recipe, actually!) and it's chilling in the fridge for the next hour and a half while I take a shower and mentally prepare myself for socializing. but I also thought ahead and grabbed some allergen-free potato chips and a bag of clementine oranges, so this is actually the first potluck in actual YEARS that 1) I'm adequately prepared for without having to buy a fruit/veggie tray on the way, and 2) I feel like I'll have plenty of safe food to eat rather than hoping others will cover me and inevitably being disappointed lmao

I'm still high-fiving myself about the fact that I managed to scrounge up plenty of ingredients around the house for that pasta salad. my friend asked if I wouldn't mind using up some of her veggies before they go bad, so I was excited to realize that I had plenty of stuff already on hand for it. I did have to pick up some more Vegannaise (somehow the only commonly-stocked mayonnaise on earth that I can eat safely) for it, but I'd rather spend slightly more to make sure it's safe for me to eat so that I don't have to worry about the leftovers. that way I can eat what's left later in the extremely likely event it doesn't all get eaten at the potluck; it's a balanced meal even all on its own tbh so it's almost like I'm meal prepping a little lmao. it also just feels good to have confidence in my flavor/taste & seasoning skills-- I don't know if I've ever had a pasta salad exactly like this one, but I AM sure that it's going to taste good either way.

speaking of meal prepping-- I haven't been the best at eating full meals regularly this week, but I have been snacking in a mostly balanced way, and I've managed to avoid ordering in most nights. it feels good to be more on top of that sort of thing and actually have a couple options on hand. I'm getting better and better at grabbing some snackage when I notice I haven't eaten, instead of sitting and fretting about the fact that I haven't eaten and then getting stuck in an executive dysfunction feedback loop. all in all, taking much better care of myself these couple weeks than I did the last time I was staying on my own somewhere

OH ALSO my friend apparently does not ever cook for more than one or two people at a time, because I learned at the last minute that the only pot she owns that's big enough to cook 1lb of pasta in is... her Instant Pot. so you best believe that today, I learned how to perfectly pressure-cook dried pasta to al dente 😤

unstoppable force (my innate desire to support my loved ones) vs immovable object (my trauma of ex-partners offloading their emotional labor onto me)

I gathered up the courage to just come right out and talk through my trauma with my partners, and it went very well ; ; I'm still getting used to the idea of being able to trust loved ones with the details of my traumatic experiences, but I'm really grateful to have partners who are being as patient as possible with me and listening carefully