so long, and thanks for all the fish

did specific trauma processing for the first time in 20 years today, and it turns out this shit is WAY easier as an adult than as a teenager. all things considered I feel pretty damn good tbh; my EMDR therapist is great and I'm so fucking glad I found her

apparently a known component of trauma and emotion processing is that your brain continues to process subconsciously in the background while you're doing other things, which means that I might just have a disproportionate emotional reaction to something for seemingly no reason. so I might be a little bitchy today and tomorrow. being aware of that will be the best weapon against it though, and I'm sure that group therapy tonight will also be helpful for soothing that inner turmoil.

fuckin. good luck out there

went to schedule a primary care appointment with my doctor, and was like "I'll just do it on mobile since I've already got Firefox up on my phone! convenience!" BUT apparently, my phone's password manager has randomly decided without my input (must have been changed in a recent OS update) that it was no longer going to sync my saved passwords from Firefox, and that any passwords would instead have to be added by me manually. so obviously, I got frustrated and went "well FINE, now I'm NOT going to schedule that appointment even though my laptop is right here, because I'M MAD" and drafted this post up instead. (I'll take care of it later when I'm less grumpy)

so, my question: is this an executive dysfunction thing, an "oppositional defiance" thing, some other thing, or a combination of all of the above? because I just know that I am Not the only one to go "well I simply WON'T DO IT" when unexpected shit crops up lmao

it's actually so relieving to have realized that the majority of my brain bads yesterday were from forgetting my meds. I was worried that I'd have to look forward to this sort of thing every week after trauma processing, and to know that meds were a huge part of it is validating

it's also really validating to have an experience that 100% reaffirms that I need the medications I'm prescribed. they fuckin work bro!! I'm not broken; it's a chemical imbalance in my brain and a lifetime of experiences that I'm processing all at once now, and it can be treated!