so long, and thanks for all the fish

went to schedule a primary care appointment with my doctor, and was like "I'll just do it on mobile since I've already got Firefox up on my phone! convenience!" BUT apparently, my phone's password manager has randomly decided without my input (must have been changed in a recent OS update) that it was no longer going to sync my saved passwords from Firefox, and that any passwords would instead have to be added by me manually. so obviously, I got frustrated and went "well FINE, now I'm NOT going to schedule that appointment even though my laptop is right here, because I'M MAD" and drafted this post up instead. (I'll take care of it later when I'm less grumpy)

so, my question: is this an executive dysfunction thing, an "oppositional defiance" thing, some other thing, or a combination of all of the above? because I just know that I am Not the only one to go "well I simply WON'T DO IT" when unexpected shit crops up lmao

it's actually so relieving to have realized that the majority of my brain bads yesterday were from forgetting my meds. I was worried that I'd have to look forward to this sort of thing every week after trauma processing, and to know that meds were a huge part of it is validating

it's also really validating to have an experience that 100% reaffirms that I need the medications I'm prescribed. they fuckin work bro!! I'm not broken; it's a chemical imbalance in my brain and a lifetime of experiences that I'm processing all at once now, and it can be treated!

I be having the weirdest dreams lately, and I am Very Sure it's due to finally hitting the "trauma processing" stage in my EMDR therapy. I always attempt to approach my anxiety dreams/nightmares from the perspective of "what is my brain trying to work on right now" but uh, lol, even knowing exactly what's causing it isn't making these dreams any easier to deal with in the moment tbh. just gonna have to write them all down and shove them into my Trauma Container for next week's session, I guess?

I think that taking gabapentin at bedtime was the move to make, but I also raised my pillow a bit to help with my allergies and post-nasal drip, and that seems to have worked really well. gonna be implementing a gabapentin regiment in the days surrounding my EMDR from now on, and I bet that'll help tremendously with my trauma processing and prevent more days like yesterday.