so long, and thanks for all the fish

it's actually so relieving to have realized that the majority of my brain bads yesterday were from forgetting my meds. I was worried that I'd have to look forward to this sort of thing every week after trauma processing, and to know that meds were a huge part of it is validating

it's also really validating to have an experience that 100% reaffirms that I need the medications I'm prescribed. they fuckin work bro!! I'm not broken; it's a chemical imbalance in my brain and a lifetime of experiences that I'm processing all at once now, and it can be treated!

I be having the weirdest dreams lately, and I am Very Sure it's due to finally hitting the "trauma processing" stage in my EMDR therapy. I always attempt to approach my anxiety dreams/nightmares from the perspective of "what is my brain trying to work on right now" but uh, lol, even knowing exactly what's causing it isn't making these dreams any easier to deal with in the moment tbh. just gonna have to write them all down and shove them into my Trauma Container for next week's session, I guess?

I think that taking gabapentin at bedtime was the move to make, but I also raised my pillow a bit to help with my allergies and post-nasal drip, and that seems to have worked really well. gonna be implementing a gabapentin regiment in the days surrounding my EMDR from now on, and I bet that'll help tremendously with my trauma processing and prevent more days like yesterday.

I be having the weirdest dreams lately, and I am Very Sure it's due to finally hitting the "trauma processing" stage in my EMDR therapy. I always attempt to approach my anxiety dreams/nightmares from the perspective of "what is my brain trying to work on right now" but uh, lol, even knowing exactly what's causing it isn't making these dreams any easier to deal with in the moment tbh. just gonna have to write them all down and shove them into my Trauma Container for next week's session, I guess?

it literally took me until a few hours ago to remember that I have gabapentin, which was prescribed for me to take as needed in cases of severe acute anxiety, available and at the ready for me at all times of the day¹... but you know what, better late than never. I feel so much better now after taking my max dose. the bees in my head have quieted down and I feel more securely anchored within my body again.

I also reached out to my parents for support tonight, and they were great. they bought me a burger and fries for dinner, and they invited me to come hang out and watch Masked Singer together, and that in combo with my meds did a world of good for me. it feels good to be able to ask for help (and know that I'll get it) once in a while.

1. this is at least the 4th time I've forgotten that I have an acute anxiety medication on hand, so tbh at this point I probably need to write it down on my coping skills flyer for the next time. I can't be forgetting about my foundational skills lmao