so long, and thanks for all the fish

you know-- it's funny because I've already been going by Kat for such a long time that my deadname has not felt like me for over 2 decades now (even to my friends and family, who are always like "who the fuck is [deadname]; that's not you"), but I always still had a sort of begrudging "yeah I guess technically that's me" reaction to seeing it in my email inbox, or on medical paperwork, or whatever

but now that I'm actually going through with the official legal work of changing my name, seeing my deadname just makes me go like "that's not my fucking name. how dare you." lmao like, I have to PERSONALLY update my name everywhere but I can't do that until my SSA and DMV changes go through so it's whatever, but my brain has already changed its routine like "okay let's go, chop chop; this is no longer our name and these M-F-ers need to get with the program already; the Unbelievable Disrespect of it all,"

agent at the social security office: (going over all my documentation and putting data into his computer)

me, jittering nervously and thinking to myself: boy I hope it's not a problem that my driver's license expired 2 weeks ago

SSA agent: okay you're all set, here's your documents back! by the way, did you know that your ID is expired?

me: oh shoot, thank you so much! (internally) phew

on the plus side, this was the most important federal-level step in my name change and I'm really glad it's over with so quickly and easily. and on the other hand jfc that made me So Anxious. I have to sit here for a bit lmao

agent at the social security office: (going over all my documentation and putting data into his computer)

me, jittering nervously and thinking to myself: boy I hope it's not a problem that my driver's license expired 2 weeks ago

SSA agent: okay you're all set, here's your documents back! by the way, did you know that your ID is expired?

me: oh shoot, thank you so much! (internally) phew

put up a very reasonable boundary (refusing to do unsafe sleepy driving) and enforced it, and now folks are mad at me for enforcing my boundary. saying it's "part of a larger pattern." idk but "a larger pattern" of enforcing my extremely reasonable personal boundaries sounds pretty fucking epic and based to me; that is the hill I will be dying on today I guess

okay I got all my thoughts out into a note; now I'm feeling both less angry and more prepared for a larger conversation later. feeling really grateful for my therapy right now

okay we have been able to talk more and everyone is much more calm today. I think the crisis has been averted for now