so long, and thanks for all the fish

been having anxiety dreams (for the past week and a half now) with the recurring theme of "some dude is here causing trouble and just being a dick to everyone, and I am the one who must choose to fight him off"

I say "must choose" because in each dream, everyone (including me) just tries to let it go and hope the problem resolves itself, but it quickly becomes apparent that the problem will persist, and then dream me eventually has the thought "okay I've had enough of this bullshit; if nobody else is going to do anything about it then I will." but I keep waking up so tired, as if fighting with my dream demons is literally sapping my actual physical strength. maybe in the next dream I have, I need to remember to just walk away.

in last night's dream it took on the face of my sister's abusive ex, who I would happily punch in the face given the chance but who also is not worth the trouble of talking to in any capacity for me. I don't think it was "actually" him in my dream, just some nameless prick wearing his face, but it's meaningful to some degree that my brain gave his face to the main antagonist of my dream. we (my brain and I) are clearly working through some shit right now.

(probably most of it)
(the rest is current stress from the Elbi illness situation)

been having anxiety dreams (for the past week and a half now) with the recurring theme of "some dude is here causing trouble and just being a dick to everyone, and I am the one who must choose to fight him off"

I say "must choose" because in each dream, everyone (including me) just tries to let it go and hope the problem resolves itself, but it quickly becomes apparent that the problem will persist, and then dream me eventually has the thought "okay I've had enough of this bullshit; if nobody else is going to do anything about it then I will." but I keep waking up so tired, as if fighting with my dream demons is literally sapping my actual physical strength. maybe in the next dream I have, I need to remember to just walk away.

in last night's dream it took on the face of my sister's abusive ex, who I would happily punch in the face given the chance but who also is not worth the trouble of talking to in any capacity for me. I don't think it was "actually" him in my dream, just some nameless prick wearing his face, but it's meaningful to some degree that my brain gave his face to the main antagonist of my dream. we (my brain and I) are clearly working through some shit right now.

but I also have very little motivation to do that, so I think I'm going to lay in bed and try to accumulate potential energy for a bit first

oh well, my body decided a nap was necessary

I allow this self-care transgression and forgive myself for it. there are extenuating circumstances; having a greaseball day is allowed this time. if I still can't get a shower in before therapy tomorrow, my therapists will probably understand if I show up a little haggard, because we have been dealing with a high-emotion family emergency this entire past weekend and that is a reasonable excuse imo

you know though, all things considered-- this is actually the first Wallowing-In-Depression Day I've had in quite a while, months even. it's really comforting to know that my first overwhelming depressive swing of 2023 is powered by extrinsic factors. I'm choosing to celebrate the fact that it took an actual event to get my depression going this time, instead of just brain bads.