so long, and thanks for all the fish

my husband came over and we had some burritos for dinner while we watched the first episode of Trigun Stampede. then I watched him play through some Metroid Prime Remastered, then we went through all the MK8 DLC tracks (I won most of them, but he got me on a good number of them!!)

we had a really good conversation at bedtime as we were falling asleep, and he helped update me on a bit of what's been going on at home with the rest of the family-- it sounds like it's probably a good thing I'm staying with my parents for a bit longer, for various reasons that are potential triggers to my mental illness and trauma. but the good news is that I'm making progress with everyone back home, and we're starting to get to the point where I can talk really frankly about my struggles without feeling like I'm being selfish or like others are putting pressure on me. I am trying to make an effort to reach out to all my family members individually, and it's getting easier to remember that doing so isn't "annoying" or "overstepping", but a necessary step in repairing my relationships with everyone. it feels good to feel more stable.

I also let him know about my new journal blogging project, and he was like "holy shit you're doing musical/lyrical analysis as a way to process your trauma and therapy progress?? that sounds awesome, point me to where I can read it" and now he has a cohost page lmfao. I know that he will not be on here with any kind of regularity except to read my posts, but I am perfectly okay with that and I'm pretty sure he is too. I'm just happy that I'll have at least one dedicated reader 😂

Trigun Stampede fuckin slaps btw. I'm sad that Milly's not around, but so far it feels like a really solid reboot and the animation is INCREDIBLE. I can't believe people are mad about the CGI/cel fusion style; my partner and I both think it's gorgeous and really well-integrated. I can't wait for the dub with Johnny Young Bosch though; I'm sure that it's going to be every bit as good in English

we dated 12 years ago and it wasn't healthy for either of us; we both came into the relationship with a lot of trauma and we bonded over unhealthy common ground and codependent tendencies. so we avoided talking to each other for a while after breaking up, and then 5 years ago they messaged me letting me know they were working through some shit in therapy and they were sorry for the way things fell apart between us. I was unsure of their motivations, and unready/unwilling to repair our friendship just yet, so I didn't do much to reach out and let it fall to the wayside again.

but lately...I don't know, maybe it's the therapy or maybe it's the urge I feel for closure. but I reached out to them today, and I'm really glad that I did. they told me they honestly weren't ready for it either yet 5 years ago, and I can tell from the way they talk about things that they're in a much better place now than back when we dated. they figured out that they're plural, and have worked out with their headmates how to negotiate control, and I can tell that I'm talking to the person/system I knew back then in a completely different context. they understand boundaries, and are so much better at expressing themselves and asking for space. they talk about their progress as ongoing and constantly improving rather than "I fixed it, I'm all better now." I don't feel the same sense of instability from them that I did when we broke up (or even from 5 years ago when they first reached out), and I'm really proud of them for having obviously put in the work.

I also briefly met (over text) their partner whom they've been seeing for the past 7 or 8 (ish?) years, and they're super cool. I can tell we'd get along. my ex has a type lmao. the more I think about it, the more sure I am that I feel really good attempting to reconnect with them and become friends again.

goddamn, filling out intake paperwork for a new therapist is always so fuckin exhausting. gotta write entire essays about my whole mental health history and my relationship with my parents before I even get to find out if I like the mfer

(I am seeking a second opinion on EMDR after my first doctor said "yep one session is all you need! you're good, good luck out there")

hoping that they give me more input on what to do wrt trauma therapy beyond just "here's a single session of EMDR; the rest is up to you!" like please I don't remember most of my trauma and I just have trauma reactions without any warning or logical reason; I need guidance 🥺