so long, and thanks for all the fish

cha boi is officially now a certified registered behavioral technician and I start my new job tomorrow. aaaaaa (dats me yellin)

40+ hours (spread across the past 2 weeks) later, I have finished my preboarding training for work. all I have left to do is take the certification exam, and then I start my new job on Monday. absolutely wild.

it has been VERY cool to challenge myself to complete this course in the 13 days I had available for it, even if it has eaten up a good amount of my time and meant that I've been offline more often. it's good practice for when I'll have to be offline for the actual job itself. but also I know I haven't been on here much while the website's been winding down, and I hope y'all are dealing with the transition well. I hope to be more present on discord as I settle into the new work routine 💜

once I get my photo taken I will officially be recognized at both the federal and state level by my new name no matter what... very exciting for me; I am excited

last night I was sitting with my partner and metamour, and we were talking about various memories and life experiences. and at one point my metamour told a story that unlocked a childhood memory I forgot I had.

the funny thing is, my memory was of my abuser. it was from long before the abuse started, and it was a happy memory. it also came in conjunction with a flashbulb image memory I have of the bedroom my abuser lived in when I was a child-- which was the place he used to most commonly abuse me. in the past (i.e. before I did trauma therapy/EMDR), this specific flashbulb memory has Triggered me and my PTSD; it used to bring a feeling of intense anxiety with it and very often would bring up other problematic memories related to the abuser I suffered. most often I would have to interrupt whatever I was doing to suppress the memories and to regulate my emotion, which was a difficult task when I was younger.

but this time... none of the trauma. none of the anxiety. I had reprocessed that specific flashbulb image of my abuser's bedroom back in EMDR. so this time around, I only experienced the happy memory that my metamour's story had unlocked. I simply had the flashbulb memory for the purposes of remembering what one wall of my abuser's bedroom looked like, and then my brain put it back away without any distress or compulsive behaviors. and when I realized this had happened, I was so relieved I almost cried. I have literally NEVER before in my life had that memory without needing to immediately self-soothe and interrupt the PTSD process, and here I was just quietly having a memory with zero distress.

I'm just so grateful for my therapists. I'm so fucking glad I finally sought out trauma therapy. it feels really incredible to be at a completely different place socially & mentally than I was when I first found cohost. all I can say is, if you have a good therapist and you have the opportunity to process your trauma in a safe environment, please take that opportunity it is so worth it in the end