so long, and thanks for all the fish

lately I have been... astoundingly functional?? I have been making appointments and starting my name-change process and adjusting my work schedule based on my needs and it's like... whoa where did this come from. is this just what self-actualization is supposed to feel like

god I FINALLY just found my copy of SMTV that I got as a gift like 2 years ago. apparently it's just been sitting in my parents' basement for the past year, which means that the memory I had of packing it up when I moved back in with my partners? completely fabricated by my brain¹! fuckin fallacious electric meat slime 🙄

it's even still shrinkwrapped lmao. I can't wait to finally start actually playing it

1. in my brain's defense, it was still recovering from the previous year's mental breakdown, so I simply have to make peace with the fact that my memory from around that time period is a little bit swiss cheese'd

the worst part of the ibs is when it completely derails my day. like, I woke up an hour and a half ago and was ready to start my day, but then Throbbing Headache happened and I had to immediately go right back to bed. my poor son keeps jumping in the bed with me like "why are you still here?? we're hungry" and I just cannot even get up to feed him breakfast yet. awful tbh. I'm sorry bud

slept in till 3pm. am forced to assume that maybe someone else was able to feed the cats. head still hurting. boooooooo

the best thing, though, was that after I made the earlier post, my dear sweet son realized that I was incapacitated and came to sit on my torso and purr for a little while. he's very good at that 😻

me 5 or 6 years ago, coming across Uncle Roger/Nigel Ng's comedy on youtube for the first time: ooh no why would he embrace the SE Asian stereotypes; this makes me uncomfortab-- [sudden realization as a white person] you know what, actually my comfort probably doesn't fucking matter here; I'm going to get back in my lane and just work on internalizing the concepts of "not all art is meant for Me" and "it's Okay if art made by a POC makes me uncomfortable; sometimes that's The Point"

me a couple months ago, watching Nigel Ng/Uncle Roger on Last Meals and hearing him talk about how Uncle Roger's accent IS his own accent and he cares deeply about the representation of Malaysian-Americans: god I'm so glad I got my head out of my white ass

sometimes I hesitate to post stuff like this because I know fully that it may come off as "white dude congratulates themself for challenging their own internalized systemic racism" and that's very much not my line of thinking, but like. fuck it, some other white person might need to hear that challenging yourself and your held beliefs without someone else making you do it first is good and normal, and makes you a nicer person to be around