so long, and thanks for all the fish

(I hemmed and hawed over the "how are others so good at talking" one for a while because I do have a lot of words and they're very good words, but tbh concepts get mangled on the way from my brain to my mouth so often that I'd be doing myself a disservice not to mark it)

me at the poly event: wow this is so cool; I am socializing; these people seem very neat and I would like to be their friend

someone else at the poly event during a story: yeah I hope that the person who cheated on me suffers [incredibly specific violent and horrifically ableist thing to wish upon somebody, in the exact manner that one of my abusive exes might have said]

me: (out loud) ehhhh

me: (in my head) Wow!! absolutely None of that was necessary to say!! maybe I don't need to be that person's friend on second thought!!!!

the nice thing is that as we were walking to our car, I brought up how fucked up that was and my partner was like "UH YEAH it fucking reminded me of [abusive ex]" and I was like OKAY THANK FUCK I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE

me at the poly event: wow this is so cool; I am socializing; these people seem very neat and I would like to be their friend

someone else at the poly event during a story: yeah I hope that the person who cheated on me suffers [incredibly specific violent and horrifically ableist thing to wish upon somebody, in the exact manner that one of my abusive exes might have said]

me: (out loud) ehhhh

me: (in my head) Wow!! absolutely None of that was necessary to say!! maybe I don't need to be that person's friend on second thought!!!!

had a very cool chat with one of the guests at our friendsgiving gathering earlier in the week; mentioned that I'm interested in getting into the local kink scene and they gave me an invite link to a google doc questionnaire for joining a local group. very good & straightforward questionnaire, had all the important questions like "define consent" and "fill in the blank; trans and nonbinary people are ____" and all that

yesterday I got confirmation that I've been accepted to the group, and apparently one of its admins is... someone I recognize. specifically, for their ableism and shitty behavior towards one of my partners, and for this one party we were at together where they simply Could Not Help Themself from bragging about their intense road rage, as if it is Very Cool And Also Normal to be throwing full drinks at other cars on the highway. soooooo that's cool I guess lmao

(the friend I met who sent me the link is also disabled, so no idea whether they have any beef with this group admin or whether said admin has improved over the past 4-ish years since I last saw them. I suppose at some point, since I am a full adult and I can make my own choices about existing in spaces with people who have been shitty to me/my partners, I'll get to attend an event and see for myself where they're at these days)

idk like I really DO believe that people are capable of growth, and I do WANT TO believe that maybe this person has done some work on themself over the pandemic and has grown in ways well beyond my perception of them. and at the same time, they were part of a "party" group that systematically isolated people from others and abused them (my husband being one of those people) and I just gotta wonder, you know?? how much of this involvement in kink is really just about taking the ability to control others around you? much to think about wrt my safety and desire to be part of a greater community