so long, and thanks for all the fish

bitchy venting behind the cut, just getting nasty thoughts out of my head so they don't fester in there

you are not a failure. you're not becoming worse over time. you're focusing more on the actually important things and less on what society thinks you should be. a job or lack thereof is not your life. it is not your value. you don't need to be "productive". you should have fun. you should do things that feel good as long as they aren't actively harming anyone. you should spend time with the people you care about and enjoy being with

woke up feeling a craving for a London Fog instead of my usual English tea with milk, so I asked my partners if they wanted anything and went up to the corner starbs

made my order and got to the window, handed over my card, and it was declined. I run it again; still declined. and as the drive-thru worker stepped away to take another order, I realized that it's now November and my debit card expires in October of this year. I have not gotten a new card in the mail for mysterious reasons unknown, so the date had simply slipped my mind.

so I apologized to the barista at the window and asked if they'd put my drinks to the side while I ran home and got another card. they nodded, I drove the block or 2 back home to grab my metamour's card instead, and I came back-- no harm done at all; the card cleared and the barista handed me my drink carrier all ready to go.

came back home, removed my drink and set my partners' drinks on a surface in the common area so they could come take them when convenient. took my drink back to my room, sat in bed, and sighed in relief before taking a sip of my London Fog.

and then realized, only in that moment, that I had forgotten to ask for 2 pumps of sugar.

I was so distracted with getting my partners' orders right, I entirely forgot that my dumb ass likes a sweetness in my tea. I have a big bin of turbinado sugar specifically for my tea, so it wasn't even a problem; I just tossed a couple spoonfuls into my latte and then it was perfect. but it's just one of those days today, I suppose 🤣 thank god I don't have anything important to get done today

aw man I'm having the most difficult emotions rn ): hate it when my anxiety kicks in and goes "no I don't care that it's dinnertime, we're not eating"

I have so much fucking trauma around partners dumping their shit on me, and now I have to somehow learn how to exist around my current partners without it all bubbling back up every single time one of them gets upset or stressed out. it's very very difficult. I keep having these awful backslides into my brain being like WELL THIS IS IT, THE OTHER SHOE DROPPING; HERE COMES EVERYONE TO TELL YOU HOW MUCH OF A PROBLEM YOU ARE

idk it just sucks that I felt so completely at peace and happy while I was on vacation, and then the very moment I spend a few hours back in a familiar environment with my loved ones, it's like "well okay! time to fucking suffer again!!" like what is it going to fucking take for me to finally get away from the shit eating away at the inside of my own head, without completely abandoning everything I love and care about and just starting everything over

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA okay I'm good now. time to order food