so long, and thanks for all the fish

I am like 99% sure that I forgot to take my meds last night, but... somehow I'm doing okay so far? I am definitely noticing the physical symptoms like huge brain fog, slight headache-- but the anxiety is literally at a 0/10, even though I missed both my SSRI and my blood pressure med. kind of incredible tbh, how I've gotten so good at coping that this is the first time I've ever missed a dose and felt relatively Fine, Good Even

I'm very sure some of it is that I'm on vacation and know I have absolutely no obligations at all while I'm here, but it's still kind of incredible if you ask me

okay all silliness aside, this is the first time in my entire life that I've ever traveled alone, and I kind of rocked it a little bit? I was so goddamn prepared for my flight. I kept myself entertained inside the floating sky tube for 4 hours straight. I navigated my way through an unfamiliar airport to the bus area with plenty of time to spare-- I even managed to get some food into me along the way. and I remembered to text my loved ones with updates about where I was at throughout the whole day of traveling!

and I did all of that on top of adulting SO MUCH last week in preparation for this trip, i.e. getting my oil changed & tires rotated so my car is safe for my family to borrow while I'm away, having to go in for a last-minute eye exam and ordering my emergency pairs of glasses to be delivered directly here, emailing all the heads of my obligatory duties so they know I'll be out of town for 2 weeks... holy fuck. I'm actually doing the independence & capability thing, and it feels incredible. I'm gonna have such a great fucking time on this vacation

I had the realization while ordering glasses that my gender dysphoria used to be really tremendous in the way that I picked out frames when I was younger; even more so than I assumed originally. the last time I got new glasses was 3.5 years before I started testosterone. I distinctly remember the process of picking new frames being really overwhelming and uncertain for me all throughout my life, both as a young teen and an adult. I remember feeling like my face didn't look right in the mirror with any of the options available, and asking my parents & siblings which frames they thought looked best on me because I couldn't decide.

today when I got online and started looking at frames, I had a minor panic over not truly knowing how the glasses will look on me until they arrive. I briefly considered asking a partner to help me shop for something that looked nice. but then I thought logically about it, took extensive measurements of everything I needed (pupillary distance, brow width, temple length), and narrowed down my search. and from there it was easy to go "ooooh those frames look cute; that's exactly what I want" and just sort of... Know that I'll probably be happy with my decision.

and I think that's a result of my dysphoria lessening over time, my HRT shaping my face into the way I've always known it's supposed to look, all my work in therapy improving my mental processes and the way I look at & treat myself-- all of this wild self-improvement journey over the past few years giving me a confidence and a self-love I was never capable of before. idk it's very cool. hormones are magical, being trans is magical; I love being trans and transitioning my whole life into a better and more authentic Me

I took gabapentin before leaving my house, in the hope it'd help ease my anxiety around this stupid eye exam today

and then I came in and they told me "we can't find your eye insurance coverage" and it took 10 minutes to finally find it. so lmao I am JUST doing my fucking best here; the rest of this appointment better go as smoothly as fucking possible; if they are rude about my eye ptsd I WILL cry

this place has a different kind of eye exam device that only takes seconds and doesn't do the puff-of-air thing, and that was the ONLY thing they had to get close to my eyes for today. they didn't need to dilate my pupils, the doctor let me opt out of the part where they look at the surface of my eye up close, AND they were just generally super accommodating and nice about the fact that I did not want things near my eyes as much as possible.

AND ON TOP OF ALL THAT, the doctor assumed my pronouns correctly and used they/them for me without question the entire time, and when I stopped at the end to thank her for being so cool about that, she APOLOGIZED for assuming my pronouns instead of asking

so, just overall an incredibly good experience. maybe the first time in my entire life that I've felt so comfortable and listened-to at an eye exam. and now I'm done!! I get to shop online for frames!!