so long, and thanks for all the fish

I had the realization while ordering glasses that my gender dysphoria used to be really tremendous in the way that I picked out frames when I was younger; even more so than I assumed originally. the last time I got new glasses was 3.5 years before I started testosterone. I distinctly remember the process of picking new frames being really overwhelming and uncertain for me all throughout my life, both as a young teen and an adult. I remember feeling like my face didn't look right in the mirror with any of the options available, and asking my parents & siblings which frames they thought looked best on me because I couldn't decide.

today when I got online and started looking at frames, I had a minor panic over not truly knowing how the glasses will look on me until they arrive. I briefly considered asking a partner to help me shop for something that looked nice. but then I thought logically about it, took extensive measurements of everything I needed (pupillary distance, brow width, temple length), and narrowed down my search. and from there it was easy to go "ooooh those frames look cute; that's exactly what I want" and just sort of... Know that I'll probably be happy with my decision.

and I think that's a result of my dysphoria lessening over time, my HRT shaping my face into the way I've always known it's supposed to look, all my work in therapy improving my mental processes and the way I look at & treat myself-- all of this wild self-improvement journey over the past few years giving me a confidence and a self-love I was never capable of before. idk it's very cool. hormones are magical, being trans is magical; I love being trans and transitioning my whole life into a better and more authentic Me

I took gabapentin before leaving my house, in the hope it'd help ease my anxiety around this stupid eye exam today

and then I came in and they told me "we can't find your eye insurance coverage" and it took 10 minutes to finally find it. so lmao I am JUST doing my fucking best here; the rest of this appointment better go as smoothly as fucking possible; if they are rude about my eye ptsd I WILL cry

this place has a different kind of eye exam device that only takes seconds and doesn't do the puff-of-air thing, and that was the ONLY thing they had to get close to my eyes for today. they didn't need to dilate my pupils, the doctor let me opt out of the part where they look at the surface of my eye up close, AND they were just generally super accommodating and nice about the fact that I did not want things near my eyes as much as possible.

AND ON TOP OF ALL THAT, the doctor assumed my pronouns correctly and used they/them for me without question the entire time, and when I stopped at the end to thank her for being so cool about that, she APOLOGIZED for assuming my pronouns instead of asking

so, just overall an incredibly good experience. maybe the first time in my entire life that I've felt so comfortable and listened-to at an eye exam. and now I'm done!! I get to shop online for frames!!

I took gabapentin before leaving my house, in the hope it'd help ease my anxiety around this stupid eye exam today

and then I came in and they told me "we can't find your eye insurance coverage" and it took 10 minutes to finally find it. so lmao I am JUST doing my fucking best here; the rest of this appointment better go as smoothly as fucking possible; if they are rude about my eye ptsd I WILL cry

"I have to take a shower" hard mode, aka "I don't know whether I have midday plans yet, so I have to try and motivate myself to get it done before I know for sure"

it's just hard to make myself get in the clean box when my brain is going "but we don't know for sure if plans are happening, so maybe we don't have to get clean." like my hygiene is directly correlated to how many people I plan on seeing in a day lmao

oh...,. I sat down in a comfy chair while waiting for my roomies to use the bathroom before I try to shower, and I just realized that my hips are SORE. like a 3/10 sore, which is definitely a sensation I'm usually not consciously aware of. I might have just had a very important realization and/or made a very important connection here, if this is something that's been regularly happening on mornings and I haven't been consciously noticing it until now.

again, this is one of those things that makes me grateful I have disabled family and partners. how long would I keep doing the abled-body fallacy thing of "oh it's probably fine; I'll just push through" otherwise without all these loved ones being like "you should fucking take care of yourself" lmao. I suppose I better try to eat something and take some ibuprofen before I shower

rescheduled plans because I value taking care of myself and have great friends who understand that shit happens sometimes. just finished a bowl of cereal so I can take some ibuprofen, and you know what shower has now been relegated to a much lower priority. self-motherfucking-care. bitch